I am back

I honestly can not believe how quickly time flies.  How long it has been since I posted, shared, interacted and was present.  So much has changed, I have changed.  Mainly for the better.  I wake up in peace, I am free and SAFE.  One post is not near enough for me to adequately explain what has gone on.

It has been 4 years since I spoke to or saw my ex-husband.

My children are 4, 5, and, 6 years old and doing well.  Currently we are getting ready for a 4th of July event in a neighboring city (Kids are STOKED).

For now, I will end this post and will post very soon.

Later.

Which is more difficult? Surviving abuse, being a single parent or submitting to God

To be a single mother?
To overcome domestic violence?
To be a follower of Christ (try to live as Christ did by abstaining from premarital sex, being honest, remaining sober etc)?
                  
I have come to find (even within my church community) people call themselves Christian simply because they believe in Jesus or the Bible.  The thing is “You believe that there is one God.  Good!  Even the demons believe and shudder.” (James 2:9).  So, I am saying that claiming to be Christian is not enough to “win your way into heaven.”  Feigned belief in God is not an appropriate safety net.

According to a study http://www.gallup.com/poll/159548/identify-christian.aspx 77% of Americans identify themselves as Christians, followers of Christ.  At face value, this is amazing and a good thing, right?  The problem lies in the fact that Christianity has been watered down.  While we do believe that God is forgiving, we also realize that he sees the heart.  A true follower submits to God, to His will, and although we are all sinners and have our own personal demons (or sins) to fight, we still fight and don’t simply sin because we have been forgiven.

It is not easy to lay down our will and submit to God’s.  It is not easy to trust in Him fully.  It is also not easy to choose to abstain from sex until marriage or be honest.  I am far from perfect, but at 29 I have finally decided that God knows better than I, that he truly has the best in mind for me, that He doesn’t want to “ruin my fun” and that I must submit to Him and His will.

                    
Being a single mother is no easy task.  Caring for children 24/7, working to provide food and shelter, having nobody to cuddle with, breaks are rare and you can be judged.  Feeling as if you have little or no physical, emotional, financial or spiritual help is very difficult.  As is feeling bad for yourself, resentful, angry or overwhelmed.  Keeping up with housecleaning, meal preparation, school activities, plus your work and your own health is not something ANYONE would see as easy or simple.

Some of us (like myself) have no family in the state, grew up with a mom who wasn’t there physically or emotionally and are just trying to figure out what works within their home.  When we lack a husband, life is even more difficult.

                  
Domestic violence (abuse) can destroy a person (woman) to their core.  The scars that are invisible are more lasting than most of the physical scars.  When someone is gaslighted, degraded, humiliated, called names, they  eventually loose their self worth.  Even if they KNOW the abuser was wrong, the subconscious can wreck havoc on someone’s self esteem, ability to overcome, and confidence.

It can be all too easy to be prayed upon by another person and yet again become a victim.  Boundaries are so important, but in abusive relationships they are torn down and the victim can find it almost impossible to set/keep healthy boundaries even when out of the abusive relationship.

The unraveling and a broken leg

Yesterday morning I tried to sit cross legged and somehow snapped my fibula.  Spiral fracture in at least 3 places.  Never have broken a bone before, but it has now happened.

I went to the ER and they gave me a hard splint, ordered no weight be put on it and told me to see an orthopedic surgeon on Monday to determine if a cast or surgery is needed.  I have a 1, 2, and 4 year old whom I am solely responsible for.

This is really hard…my house is in shambles, trash, toys, clothes, dirty dishes, everything.

The kids are making messes when they eat, play, everything and I can hardly keep up in a half ass way.  I am on crutches, but I still suck…I have fallen several times and my muscles and body are really weak.

Last night a lady at church took the boys and I cuddled on the couch will my 1 year old baby girl.  Last night was ok, but within minutes of them getting back they fell on my leg twice and tried biting each other.  I feel helpless in doing what I need to do, I can hardly stand up without extreme effort.  Changing diapers is very hard because if I sit on the floor I can’t get up and standing or crunching for more than 3 minutes is very hard.

I feel like a baby, a wuss, and I am unsure how this will all play out.

While I do have a few helping hands, someone took the boys last night, people have brought food…I still am reminded that I am alone.  Sure there is a little help, or a lot of help…but still this life is just mine and so are these kids.  No dad…ever.  No dad who loves their mom, no dad who loves them.

No teamwork…

No partnership…

Bonnie and no Clyde

Juliet and no Romeo

Poor me, poor me…waaa waaa booo hoooo

I will get over it.  I will work something out.  I will accept help I need when it is offered, or ask for the help I need.

 

Betrayal…

From this day forward…..as long as we both shall live….

Growing up….I never imagined getting married.  But divorce was even harder to see happening.

I am pit bull loyal…I have a love for all humans.  But there are a few whom I would give my life, my freedom, every ounce of my being for.  I took my marriage, my vows very seriously.  The problem is…I was the only one who took them seriously, the only one fighting for us to be right, the only one with any love.  I won’t lie…near the end, I could hardly look at myself in the mirror.  My anger, resentment and fear were radiating from my eyes.  My eyes were cold, dark, unloving.  No spark, no life, no hope.  The only thing that kept me going was looking at my face, my body and knowing that no matter how hurt I was I was still me on the inside, my mind was still there.  Even during the worst of things….I knew that I would never get an apology, I knew that I would never have an explanation that would make things ok, but all I wanted was for hugs when I needed them.

It just shows me how pathetic and ignorant I am.  The denial of kind human touch was harder than I thought it could be….because I still loved him.  After getting the pulp beat out of me, broken teeth, swollen throat from being choked, my scalp separated from my skull from being smashed into things, getting burned with smokes, being unable to see out of either eye and my mouth swollen open….all I wanted was a hug from HIM.  I just wanted the tiniest bit of kindness so I had fight in me, so I could try to forgive, so I could see him as human, but he denied it every time.  I wasn’t worthy of a hug….not even after what he did…

For the longest time…I felt it was my duty to stick by him when nobody else would.  That it was my duty to continue to be loving, forgiving and not stir trouble.  That it was my duty to not bring up what he did, to not ask for an apolgy and to not talk about how I felt.  I made a vow after all right…

The problem is I failed to recognize that there are TWO parts to that vow…we made the same vow to each other…and he went back on it many many times.  He hurt me, did not love me or cherish me, yet expected me to hold up my side of the vow.

God doesn’t want us to be hurt or abused.  For the longest time I felt guilty for filing for divorce and since it was granted I try not to think about it.  As I sit her and watch Sons of Anarchy Season 6 I see that Tara is filing for divorce and Jax just found out.  The look on his face was heartbreaking…and for not even a second I thought “I did that to my ex husband”.  I was almost sad…I almost felt like I betrayed him, but as quickly as that thought came it was replaced with peace.

I did the right thing.  I did not betray him by divorcing him…he betrayed me for years while in our marriage.

Also…until this day I kind of thought that since I am divorced the “value of marriage” is nill.  That is not true…if anything I know if there is a next time it will be with the right person because marriage is for a lifetime.  As much as I like to be tough and strong…I do want to be married again, I want someone to come home to, someone to love and support, someone to fall asleep next to and wake up next to, and I also want someone with whom we can have a mutual trust.

I didn’t betray him…I am so thankful that I finally believe that….

I guess it gets harder before it gets easier

You can either run from the pain or let it burn into your heart as a constant reminder of the meaning of love.

As I have stated before, most of my life my solution to problems was hiding them, burying them, denying my emotions.  Unfortunately, that only seems to work for a minute.  In reality, only the surface looks pretty but underneath is gangrene, festering puss, and maggots that are eating us alive.  It happens slowly, but at the same time is devastating.  The affects are endless.

The time has come for me to open the wounds, scrape out the maggots and gangrene and allow healing to come.  I know, without a doubt, that it isn’t an easy fix.  I know that pain will come before healing, more pain than if I had just dealt with issues as the arose.  That’s ok though because dealing with the deep wounds are the only way of healing.  I can no longer remain a slave to bullshit, no longer remain a victim, no longer ignore my feelings and no longer remain scared.

I have spent a long time trying to figure out how to protect myself, how to guard my heart, how to prevent anymore hurt, but have given little thought on how to be whole again.

Life works in strange ways and what I am about to say, I don’t want to.  I am afraid it will break the magic.  I am afraid I am not doing the right thing or that I am a fool.  But more than that, I am afraid I have been blessed beyond what I could have asked.  I can not continue telling my story, my journey without showing the whole picture.

I have met a man unlike any many I have ever known.  He is handsome, sweet, charming, a gentleman and kind.  No red flags, understanding, takes care of his kids and their mothers, and is not judgmental.  We talked for a few months, but somewhere along the line I fell for him.  It was hard…every time I thought I had feelings…I freaked.  Not in a good way either…I was mean, said horrible things and tried to cut all ties.  He stuck by me, never brought up my actions and simply forgave and loved me.  He understands me when I don’t understand myself and doesn’t hate me for how broken I am.  He respects my boundaries, encourages my growth and supports my decisions.

I don’t think I could ask for more in a man, a partner, or a spouse.

Back to old wounds being opened…simply knowing this man, my boyfriend, exists has shaken me to the core.  It has brought up so many hurts, so much pain.  Everything he does (and is) is different than I have ever known.  Which is great.  Still…I know that if things don’t work out, he has set the bar very high for any other man I will meet.  So, even if shit goes downhill, I am very thankful that he has shown me what I want in a man and that good God fearing men do exist.

This whole post leads to what I am going to write.  It hurts me so badly that my children’s dad does not love them and that he never loved me.  It hurts me that I settled and dealt with so much pain when it didn’t pay off.  I see my boyfriend taking care of his children, making sure they have what they need and helping everyone around him…but I don’t have that in my life and I never will.  Just seeing how he is…makes me question what I did to make my ex husband so crazy and what I did that stopped him from being the man I thought he was.  I know I did not make my ex husband do those bad things…it is just one of my irrational thoughts which get ignited when I see what kind of man m boyfriend is.   I am torn between slight jealousy that he cares for his children when my children’s dad does not and anger that I allowed myself to be in this situation.  Neither of those thoughts are healthy and I know that.  I must face the hurt and wounds of being a single mother, being divorced and knowing that as long as I live I will do what I need to do to keep my children safe and away from their father.

I have a strange feeling that I am on the right track.  That this pain that I am facing will kind of heal, will allow me to grow as a woman and mother.

I only have one life…I need to make it count.

I call bullshit

They say kids need their father. They say that a mother shouldn’t keep kids away from the child’s father.
Bullshit.
I sit here today and watch my boys sleeping on the couch and their baby sister asleep in her room. These kids can be a handful. They drive me crazy at times. But right now…all I feel is love, compassion, and empathy for them.
Baby Emily woke up crying (she has been sick the past two days). I go into her room and she is making the most pathetic soft cries. She opens her eyes, gives me a weak smile as I pat her back a few times and she is off to sleep again.
My heart melted yet again. I actually smiled and thought “Her dad would love her so much.” Everyone loves her, she is a sweetheart, kind, funny and not even two years old. She is stunningly beautiful, big blue eyes and a smile to die for.
But the problem is….her dad doesn’t love her. Her dad doesn’t even know her. The last time he saw her she was 4 months old…and couldn’t even crawl. Heartbreaking.
All I wanted was for my kids to have a loving father, who would kill or be killed for them. One that would teach them to be men and women who made the world a better place.
Although I was not responsible for his actions, I still failed my children. There is no turning back. As long as I have breath…I am keeping these kids safe and away from their father.
This isn’t easy, but it is my only choice. One that breaks my heart at times…but one that I know without a shadow of a doubt is correct.