My toy…and freedon

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I bought myself a Bopit Extreme2 from a consignment store and I am ecstatic.  I loved the Bopit when I was little and have wanted another one for 10 years.  Kind of a long time to want something so silly and simple.

Anyway…my husband refused to let me get one.  If I touched one at Walmart he would get mad at make me put it down or he’s put it on a high shelf after taking it from me.  Never would even let me use it for a minute.  I asked for one for Christmas…tried to but myself one etc….but I was forbidden to use or have one.

I promised not to play when he was home, or if the house was dirty etc.  But it didn’t matter…it was a unneeded distraction that I was not allowed.  At first I thought it was silly and kinda cute how he was acting….after all what adult would tell their girlfriend, then fiance then finally wife that they couldn’t have a simple toy.  Didn’t make since.  Especially when I was buying him playstation 3s  (four of them to be exact….because he kept pawning them for drugs or gas money) and 60 dollar games first that he would play for 8 hours straight, sit at home and not work or clean.  In fact the house was usually dirtier when I came home.

So…he couldn’t have been serious about me not having a Bopit…but he was.

Anyway….the point is I finally got one.  And in such a simple way it makes me happy.  I don’t play it much…maybe 5 to 10 minutes 3 days a week.  But having it…the freedom it represents is want makes me smile.  I didn’t even have to have a good reason for getting it besides that fact I wanted it. 

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Day 6

Six days of happiness.
Relatively no stress, no major issues, no major sadness, no panic attacks, no feelings of hopelessness.
Amazing.  I thank God for giving me my life back, for giving me myself back…for allowing me to be ok. 
I know I will still have struggles…but the fact that I can say I have been ok (actually good) for almost a week is truly amazing…a blessing

Thanksgiving

Since it is Thanksgiving it is only fitting that I take the time to say.what I am thankful for.

I am eternally grateful that God sent his son to die and save me.  I am thankful that I was blessed with life, the ability to chose which path to take and with relatively good health.
I am thankful for my children and all those who have helped us on this journey.
Lastly…I am thankful for my experiences, what I have been taught through them about kids, myself, and others.
Tribulation produces perseverance.  Perseverance produces character.  Character produces hope.  Now, hope….hope does not disappoint.

Going to the city

Haha  I just wanted to say that.  Never lives in a place where saying that would make sense.  After living in Phoenix/Tempe/Mesa for 25 years and never really living anywhere else that really mattered you don’t really think about how life is outside the big city.

Simply coming to Missouri was culture shock.  Towns of 21k?!?  Towns of 8k with no Walmart?!?  Towns of 2k?!?  That is the size of a high school…
Anyway…I am 15 minutes outside of town.  On an actual country road.  Lol  I have not left this shelter since I stepped foot in on Thursday.  So I am excited to get out….even though it is so I can go to urgent care for my tooth abscess and pain.  It’s alright. I will get antibiotics…the pain will leave and I will be ok again.  🙂

Hmm..kinda seems like day 4 of happiness.  Don’t want to speak too early….but I think it is day 4.

So…do people actually wake up this way?  Are they actually happy to be alive, content,and ready to take in the day?

Just got a thought….maybe im not happy.  Maybe I just don’t have anything worse going on.  Guess the yeah of happiness would to see how I handle stress and a awful day.  But this tooth pain is a killer….my jaw is swollen and you can see the red on the outside of my cheek.  So by no means is everything ok.

Eh…no point in overthinking.  I am just fine.

Day 3

Well….this is the third day in a row that I have felt ok.  With everything.  I am not sad, worried, anxious, or depressed.  Dare I say…that I think I am happy, and content.  For what may be the longest amount of time in the past 4 years.

I am ok.  I am happy.  I am hopeful.  Most importantly I am at peace…with myself, my life, God and thus world.  It is a good feeling. 

Don’t know what happened…but something in me snapped back into place.  I feel alive, free, like I am finding myself again.  I  connecting with old friends, making new ones, making plans to do what I need to and also what I want.  It is an amazing feeling.

I have been listening to the music I was forbade from listening to, I am eating healthy and what I want, I have been working out, I have been cooking.  I know to many those things might be a given….but not for me.  Now I can though.  I have no fear of repercussions, no explaining to anyone and probably most importantly…I have no guilt associated with doing both what I want and need.

While I am hopeful this thinking pattern will stick…I know I might have setbacks.  But that is ok…they are only temporary. 

I will be ok.  Guess what?  I finally believe it when I say it. 

🙂

Everyone has something to offer

Yes, everyone.  Each of us were made in His (Gods) image.  All of us have something to offer this world, our friends and our family.  None of us were made pointlessly.

Now…in just about every person I have met, talked to, read about, seen on TV or walking down the street…I have seen that they are unique, loveable, and have something to teach me.

Yet…here is my dilemma.  Where is my talent, my gift, what I am good at or what I have to offer?  I feel left out.  I can not pin point what I should be doing…what my purpose is  where I should aim to be.  I have problems believing I am good enough to really do anything…and that is a problem.  My logic tells me otherwise…but my heath and feelings tell me im crap.

Yes…I have kids.  So I am a mom.  But in no way does that fulfill me, in no way am I content just to be a mom.  Nothing is wrong with that for others…in fact it is amazing being a good mom.  But I have this burning in me that longs to do more, to achieve, to teach, to be a light for many.  I am not sure what I am supposed to do….but I believe it will be great.  Maybe it will occur after I am gone…but I would like to see it happen with my own eyes.  I want to see change, see love and see that I can make a difference.

Maybe I have a big head, but I know I was made for a purpose…I know I can do more than I have done so far.

I guess I need to be patient, work toward my goals…then decide to go for something….a business, a political office, be an advocate, a doctor.  Something.

My while childhood I wanted to save lives.  First to be a EMT….thanks to the TV show Rescue 911.  then to be a trauma surgeon in the ER.  I still hold my trauma surgeon dream dear…but I am 27…no high school degree, and a single mom of 3.  Homeless, no car.  So…it wouldn’t be easy.  Actually…at my age…with my kids….it is not really feasible.

Other things are though.  I need to try….something, anything.

First things first though.  Get me and my kids stable, safe and be able to make decisions from a better place.  A better physical, emotional, spiritual and financial place.

I tend to think a head….and get overwhelmed and frustrated.  I need to stop.  These last 2 days I have done just that, lives in the moment.  It is a powerful thing to be able to do…I have never been able to live in the moment for more than  a few hours.  I pray I wake up tomorrow and God leads me to the same mindset.

I need to quit with the labels.  The single mom bs.  I need to get over that.  It is what it is…I shouldn’t keep bringing myself down by how I look at it.  I don’t go around talking about the fact that I am a 5 foot tall (on a good day) white girl…so I shouldn’t do that about my kids and soon to be ex husbands relationship.
It doesn’t matter. I am having issues accepting my situation…so I think that is why I throw it out there.  I guess if nobody is bringing me down…I must do it.

No.  I will stop.

I am a beautiful woman.  I am a God fearing woman.  I am a good mother.  I love myself and others.  I deserve to be loved, respected and not hurt.  I have the right to ask for what I need.  Nobody has the right to hurt me…not even me.  God loves me, made me, and he doesn’t make mistakes.  I am loveable, loving, and deserving of good.  I am smart, able to make my own decisions and able to do what I need to do even if it doesn’t make everyone happy.  I am loved, by God and my children.  I deserve to be me.  I need to be me.

Peace

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My view.  I have not lived in a place where the trees drop their leaves, where it snows, where ice is common.  Except when I was 7…but that doesn’t count since I do not remember it.

Anyway…it is chilly, we are expecting snow on Sunday, just about all the trees are bare.  I have relaxed today…taken care of me and the kids.  With no worries, I am ok.

I am ok with me, with where I love right now, with my life as it is.  I am actually at peace right now and for the life of me…I can not name one worry I have had stuck in my head today.  It is strange to say that….almost unnatural.  But it is amazing.  Not sure what happened to make this change, not sure if it will stick…but I hope it does.  I truly hope I can move toward my goals…with peace, contentment and a belief that things are ok and they will get better for me and my children.