They say hindsight is 20/20.
Looking back I wonder how it got so far, how I stayed for 9 years, how I let it get so bad, why I married him, why I forgave for freely, why I had a some with him, then another one, then a daughter. I wonder how I allowed myself to be hurt so badly, how I kept forgiving, kept ignoring and denying the true issues, how I put up with so much for so long. Mainly….I wonder how the love I had for him lasted and why all I wanted was for the pain to stop, for him to be truly repentant and for him to love me again.
For years, my life was to make him happy, keep him calm, to be loveable enough for him. The sad thing was….for so long, I didn’t mind.
Then…when the apologies stopped and dope took over…I still had hope.
I just wanted him to love me again.
I thought I could fix him, make him happy, show him that what he was doing was testing me apart…inside and out.
I realize now…there was no hope. The hope I had was false. It was me wanting something that could never be.
The trust and romantic love is gone and will never, can never be restored. That part hurts. Makes me sad that he chose that path and that no matted how hard I tried (and I tried with all my might) we were doomed….because of his actions.
I am at peace with my choice. I had no other option really. But still…it sucks wondering why someone would do these things to someone they claim to love. To their wife. To the one person who always gave him their all.
There wasn’t a thing I wouldn’t have done for my husband. It breaks my heart that his actions over the past years changes that.
If I didn’t get my restraining order a few months ago I would call him. To say im sorry things didn’t work out, to tell him I tried my hardest. But I know it doesn’t matter. There will be lots between us that must be left unsaid.
I wish I could get in his head and understand why. I really do. The not understanding is killing me….