Looking back

They say hindsight is 20/20.

Looking back I wonder how it got so far, how I stayed for 9 years, how I let it get so bad, why I married him, why I forgave for freely, why I had a some with him, then another one, then a daughter.  I wonder how I allowed myself to be hurt so badly, how I kept forgiving, kept ignoring and denying the true issues, how I put up with so much for so long.  Mainly….I wonder how the love I had for him lasted and why all I wanted was for the pain to stop, for him to be truly repentant and for him to love me again.

For years, my life was to make him happy, keep him calm, to be loveable enough for him.  The sad thing was….for so long, I didn’t mind. 

Then…when the apologies stopped and dope took over…I still had hope.

I just wanted him to love me again.

I thought I could fix him, make him happy, show him that what he was doing was testing me apart…inside and out.

I realize now…there was no hope.  The hope I had was false.  It was me wanting something that could never be.

The trust and romantic love is gone and will never, can never be restored.  That part hurts.  Makes me sad that he chose that path and that no matted how hard I tried (and I tried with all my might) we were doomed….because of his actions.

I am at peace with my choice.  I had no other option really.  But still…it sucks wondering why someone would do these things to someone they claim to love.  To their wife.  To the one person who always gave him their all.

There wasn’t a thing I wouldn’t have done for my husband.  It breaks my heart that his actions over the past years changes that.

If I didn’t get my restraining order a few months ago I would call him.  To say im sorry things didn’t work out, to tell him I tried my hardest.  But I know it doesn’t matter.  There will be lots between us that must be left unsaid.

I wish I could get in his head and understand why.  I really do.  The not understanding is killing me….

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2 Comments

  1. I think the most upsetting part of it all… when, like you said, you give them your all… And they devastate and destroy. Understanding “why someone would do these things to someone they claim to love. To their wife. To the one person who always gave him their all.” … this is not possible. Some were abused or lived in a household rife with violence. Some are just monsters doing what they do best. Please do spend too much time trying to reconcile this. Even once you think you have it figure out, old insecurities he created will come back and nag at you. Please just know that nothing you did was the cause of *any* of the things he did to you against your will.

    From personal experience, sometimes that understanding… if you find it, it may cause more pain that what it’s worth. And it will again make you call yourself into question. Some things are better left in the gray.

  2. wow, I get what you are saying, I know how you feel- I was there, sometimes I am still there. It is beyond understanding how and why someone would do all these terrible things not only to another person, but to the person they claim to love, to the mother of their kids. Please know that it is not your fault. There is nothing that you could have done, or will do that will change who and what he is. He has created his own life. It is him on his own that has put you both where you are now. You are starting on a long hard journey, but as I have learned through much counseling, is that all that is worth it is hard to come by.
    You will have good days and bad days but you had the strength to say enough is enough and to make sure that the cycle of abuse stops here-that your wonderful children are not going to be subjected to the abuse. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are smart.

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