Stupid me… And a fireplace

So…last night I did some investigating.  For some reason I wanted to know that my husband wasn’t doing better than me.  I don’t know what I really thought would come of it.
I was hoping maybe to see he left the state, that he was having housing issues, that he was unemployed….something to remind me that im doing the right thing.

He is still living in the state.  Is working two jobs, and is living in a 3 bedroom house.  I am unemployed in a shelter….

Well that’s ok.  If he changes now….it is too late. I can never go back, I know better.  I could never face him alone after leaving and actually taking him to court and getting a restraining order.  No way.
Here is the kicker…the 3 bedroom house has a fireplace.  My heart melted, I had this strange hope that he was working hard to get his family back and he was getting a 3 bedroom house for us and he knew how I loved fireplaces.  How completely off the wall and strange.  My eyes tested up and I was almost proud of him.

Silly really…because all I did was see where he lived and worked online.  Not a huge deal…really told me very life….but my mind went into overdrive.

My eyes teared up.  And for the 2ND time since I left in the beginning of August…I she’s a tear.  I didn’t ball…but I let one tear fall down my cheek and onto my bed.  I touched the wet spot, wiped mg eyes and smiled.  Im ok.

All those around me like to tell me I’m strong (even the strongest), a good mom, one of those “calm” moms, and that I always smile and seen to be doing good.

I am not sure how my outward appearance differs so much from who I feel I am inside.  I think denial, refusal to admit an issue, and plain stubbornness play a part.

It took me two months before I shed a tear, before I got an urge to hear his voice, before I questioned myself.  When I did…it hit hard.

I knew that looking up what I did had no positive purpose.  But I did.  And im ok.

Still….I want a fireplace.  😉  Never thought thinking of a fireplace would make me cry.

I apologize for this post…if it is all over the place…or doesn’t make sense.  I get what I mean…lol


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