Will I always live in fear?

Trigger Warning:  Abuse

I do not like looking over my shoulder, being afraid of being found, being unable to connect with those I love out of fear that I will be found and killed.

I am lucky.  I know this now.  Many women who have been through things similar to me simply never made it out alive.  So dispute my pain, my fear, my issues…I am thankful that God allowed me to do what needed to be done to survive, that was was given an out and that I was able to take the chance when it was given to me.

I had options to leave, in fact….I literally ran out the door to the convenience store I believe over 60 times in a 6 month period earlier this year.  Each time he chased me….begging me to come back, promising to change.  I fell for it again and again…even though I knew better. 

The time that haunts me was when we had been locked in the apartment for just over a week.  He was smoking dope non-stop, not sleeping, had the windows covered with blankets nailed 1 inch apart and the door barricaded with furniture.  He believed I was poisoning his drinks, stealing and poisoning his dope and that I had people sneaking in to “fuck me”.  The apartment had night vision cameras set up along with audio recorders and he also used his phone to keep tabs on everything.  Anyway…he told me repeatedly…I would not make it out of the apartment alive, that he would kill me, my sister, my brothers, my mom, everyone I loved if I left.  During that week…he raped me, bashed my head into the wall because I didn’t want to have sex with him, ripped open my c section  stitches, verbally abused me, refused to let me outside or even use a phone, gave me two black eyes, a broken tooth, a huge far lip, bruised ribs, more bumps than I know on my head, bruises on my neck from being choked.  At this time…my youngest was not even 2 months old.  I still had my c section staples in because I couldn’t leave to go to the doctor.  (eventually…he removed them himself with wire cutters).  My boys were 14 months and 28 months old.  Anyway….he left me in the living room and walked to the back bedroom.  After a minute…I took my chances…and ran.  Leaving the kids behind.  I will never forgive myself for that choice.

I ran wearing only a t shirt and panties..no pants, shoes, bra.  I got to the store and say on the curb…and waited.  I knew it wouldn’t take long for him to show up.  Within 5 minutes…he was there….without the kids.  He told me I needed to go home, that he didn’t understand why I left, that he loved me, and he promised never to hurt me again.  I told him I didn’t believe him…that I was going to call the cops and say that our kids were alone at home and I was afraid to go get them.  He convinced me that I would have the child neglect charges and that cps would take the kids from me.  So…I went home with him…about half hour after I left.  I cried the whole way home and he repeated over and over that I was ok and safe.  When we pulled in the driveway….I was in hysterics.  He said “baby girl, I know I have hurt you and you don’t trust me.  I will sit in the car until you trust me and ask me to come in”.  Sounded too good to be true…but I took it.  I believed him.

As I walked up the stairs I could hear my 2 month old screaming.  I unlocked the door….saw that he was still in the car and looked inside and the apartment wax pitch black.  The baby was on the floor and her older brothers were on top of he.  I ran and picked the baby up and as I did the apartment began to shake.  He was coming!  Running up the stairs with a furry…taking 2 steps at a time.  I don’t remember his saying a word as he ran across the living room and pounced on me.  I threw the baby and begged him to make sure she was ok first.  But he didn’t listen.  Her screams will haunt me.  My utter hopelessness…thinking I would die unable to save my hurt baby.  Breaks my heart….something I pray I will never face again.

The beating went on for well over a hour.  I am surprised I survived.  But I did.  All 3 babies were in the room the whole time…although it was pretty dark…they heard it all.

Come to find out….he cut the power before he left, left the kids there as a trap and planned the whole thing.  Sickening really.

I don’t know why people do what they do.  All I know is what he is capable of…and I don’t like it and I will never be able to be safe if he knows where we are….



  1. Thank you for sharing this horrific and heartbreaking story. I’ve no doubt that this one incident sticks in your mind because it was so extreme – but I am sure you have many other painful memories to contend with too. Your story is similar to mine in lots of ways – the pre-meditation, using the children to control us at our most vulnerable, the cannabis use and paranoia, the threats to kill anyone close to you, the rages where you simply have no idea what he is capable of and the absolute lack of thought for the impact of his abuse on the children. The going back because you feel you have no other choice… I could go on!

    Like me, you are afraid and always looking over your shoulder. But even with that, at least we had the strength to get out, and we should try to celebrate every new day of freedom.

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