Im sad…

To be perfectly honest….I am sad.  I don’t show it often.  But I am.  I am overwhelmed, sad, frustrated and even angry.

I don’t know why I feel I am not allowed emotions…or why must always be strong and emotionless.  I must be perfect, strong, unmoved. 

It is annoying…and hard to do for a long time. 

I am sad I am alone.  I am mourning what I wanted, what I thought I had, what I fought so long and so hard to keep.  I am sad I don’t have someone to love, someone to love me back.  Someone to cuddle with. 
I was so sure I did things right…got married, waited 4 years…then had our first kid…but here I am alone…with 3 small babies.  With the whole world on my shoulders.

I don’t want to be sad, I don’t want to feel like I have lost something.  There are so many people who have actual loss and I am sad about something that I should be thankful to get away from.  Seems irrational.

Now my anger…is there.  Oh yes, it is there.  But I don’t let it out of acknowledge it much either.  It doesn’t need to be who I am.
I am angry at myself for staying so long.
I am angry at myself for not seeing and reacting to the red flags.
I am mad at him for breaking my heart.
I am mad at him for deleting who I was, controlling me, making me doubt me.
I am angry he put his hands, feet etc on me out of anger.
I am mad that he terrified me, looked into my eyes with no remorse and continued.  I am angry that he allowed himself to push me past what he should have ever seen.
I am mad he let dope (meth) take such a hold and failed to see any issue.
I am mad that I remember how could make me smile.
I am mad that I don’t have and never had the fairytale I portrayed myself to have.

I know now…my desire to be perfect, have the perfect marriage, and husband…got in the way of me seeking help when life was manageable.

I need to get into individual counseling.  Which I will this week.  Emotions aren’t a had.thing…but I don’t see how they can be good…

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1 Comment

  1. Considering the amount of time you have been out, I’d say you are doing pretty well. It’s a huge adjustment, and despite what he did to you for so long, there is still an emotional attachment. Plus there is a child involved. You have gone through so much, starting with the mental and behavior changes he initiated within you via the abuse, the “shell” stage where you were pretty much like a video game character waiting for him to use the controller to dictate your every move, word, and thought… because this is what he forced upon you. So, you were his puppet and what you did was based on what he wanted… which I am sure also included decision making. Now you are out, and he isn’t there to manipualte you, and you find yourself in this odd state of flux… And the “shell” phase is wearing off day by day, and you have emotions that are coming alive again. It can be so overwhelming, but the worst thing you can do for yourself now is to forbid yourself those emotions. You have to feel them, and you have to deal with them. Otherwise you are never going to truly heal.

    You have been through so much suffering. Allow yourself to feel the mourning. The anger and sadness you feel now will wear off. It takes time. The important thing is that you are coming here and expressing these feelings as you have them. Talking about it helps you process what is there, so keep doing it for as long as you need to. We all went through this stage, too. You should have heard some of the things I said about Kevin in the first few months after I left! Out of anger so deep I felt like I could incinerate myself with just one thought of him.

    You have a right to mourn the time lost. You have a right to mourn the pain. You have a right to feel the anger that he denied you the entire time you were with him. But do not misdirect it at yourself. Be angry at the things he did. Be angry that he hurt you. But don’t be mad at yourself for being human.

    Emotions are not a bad thing. They affirm that you are alive. That you are free from the oppression. That you are human. And you are, wonderfully human.

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