To be perfectly honest….I am sad. I don’t show it often. But I am. I am overwhelmed, sad, frustrated and even angry.
I don’t know why I feel I am not allowed emotions…or why must always be strong and emotionless. I must be perfect, strong, unmoved.
It is annoying…and hard to do for a long time.
I am sad I am alone. I am mourning what I wanted, what I thought I had, what I fought so long and so hard to keep. I am sad I don’t have someone to love, someone to love me back. Someone to cuddle with.
I was so sure I did things right…got married, waited 4 years…then had our first kid…but here I am alone…with 3 small babies. With the whole world on my shoulders.
I don’t want to be sad, I don’t want to feel like I have lost something. There are so many people who have actual loss and I am sad about something that I should be thankful to get away from. Seems irrational.
Now my anger…is there. Oh yes, it is there. But I don’t let it out of acknowledge it much either. It doesn’t need to be who I am.
I am angry at myself for staying so long.
I am angry at myself for not seeing and reacting to the red flags.
I am mad at him for breaking my heart.
I am mad at him for deleting who I was, controlling me, making me doubt me.
I am angry he put his hands, feet etc on me out of anger.
I am mad that he terrified me, looked into my eyes with no remorse and continued. I am angry that he allowed himself to push me past what he should have ever seen.
I am mad he let dope (meth) take such a hold and failed to see any issue.
I am mad that I remember how could make me smile.
I am mad that I don’t have and never had the fairytale I portrayed myself to have.
I know now…my desire to be perfect, have the perfect marriage, and husband…got in the way of me seeking help when life was manageable.
I need to get into individual counseling. Which I will this week. Emotions aren’t a had.thing…but I don’t see how they can be good…