Life sometimes feels like it sucks…

I am in an awful mood.  And I have no one to talk to, no one I trust, and no one who would care if I did try to talk.
I am flat out depressed.  To the point I my eyes are filling with years almost constantly.  Everything seems hopeless, I feel lost and nothing matters.  I want to give up completely…but nothing is going on to give up on.  I can’t give up on taking care of the kids….I can’t give up on me…and I can’t give up on life.  Man do I want to though.  If I could sleep and not wake up…that would be heaven.
Why should I wake up?  To be in the exact same situation?  No thanks…   I feel completely utterly hopeless and alone.  I have no job, no home, no car, no friends, no family that I can rely on.  How can I go on…and be able to take care of the babies the way they deserve when I feel this way?
My babies deserve the best…and quiet frankly I do not deserve them.  I got told today that I am the best mother that staff here in the shelter has seen the whole time they have worked here.  That is pathetic.  Honestly….I suck.  I am in a domestic violence shelter with no hope of getting out anytime soon. 
Today I got told at the apartment interview…that I will be denied.  So I guess that idea was bogus.  Stupid evictions.
I am so mad at myself it is unreal.  I don’t know what to do.  I hate this.  Why did I let everything happen…why did I have kids…why??
I haven’t cut in 9 years.  The last time I cut myself was the rims I slit my wrist….after my husband (boyfriend at the time) had his first big freakout and choked me and made me think I was going to die. So it has been a long time…but I kinda think I need to right now.  I am lost.  I know it will make things ok again.  But shit….how childish?!?!  So I probably can’t.
I hate this hopelessness.  I can’t stop my head from these stupid thoughts.  I can’t relax, I can’t sleep.
Seriously…im thinking a bunch of meth would do me good.  Why not?  Everyone else can…why not me?  Why do I always have to be strong?  Why do I have to be perfect?  Why can’t I be a screw up?
It’s not fair!  I want to escape.  I want to not give a shit.  I want to be stupid.  I want to do whatever and not care the consequences.  But that’s not me…ugh.  Wish it was right now.

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5 Comments

  1. Be strong. I know, easier said than done right? Have you tried social services? Child support? You were married for 7 years? He owes you alimony….The fact that you are in a shelter should be enough to keep you away, and should make the divorce proceedings a bit easier….
    Please be safe my friend. Always remember that at the end of the darkest tunnel there is always a light. Keep walking straight and you will find you way….

  2. I think what Abby means when she says to be strong is to focus on getting through today. Don’t overwhelm yourself thinking about everything you need to handle down the road and all the things you do not have… right now. They will come. Instead, when you feel this uproar bubbling inside you, remind yourself that even though you did get abused.. you LEFT. Your immediate responsibility right now is caring for the children and getting support for yourself and then work on all the other things. I know you need them all. I know it’s hard to have to remember all the time the things you lost (including yourself) during the abuse, but it is not a part of your worth.. having these things. Yes, shelter is important, food, clothing, medicine, caring for the kids… but it will all take some time to fall into place.

    Abby is right that you don’t have to apologize. What you are going through right now is harder than I can even imagine. I only had me to worry about when I left, so for all of you who leave with children, I have the utmost respect for. You are all the epitome of strength and you don’t even realize it. You are going to say things you think are crazy, things that show your anger, your frustration, your sadness… but it’s better to let it out. Abby and I can both take it. Trust me, we have both been there already. No one here is going to judge you for this. You are human, hon. And you are hurting.

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