Life sometimes feels like it sucks…

I am in an awful mood.  And I have no one to talk to, no one I trust, and no one who would care if I did try to talk.
I am flat out depressed.  To the point I my eyes are filling with years almost constantly.  Everything seems hopeless, I feel lost and nothing matters.  I want to give up completely…but nothing is going on to give up on.  I can’t give up on taking care of the kids….I can’t give up on me…and I can’t give up on life.  Man do I want to though.  If I could sleep and not wake up…that would be heaven.
Why should I wake up?  To be in the exact same situation?  No thanks…   I feel completely utterly hopeless and alone.  I have no job, no home, no car, no friends, no family that I can rely on.  How can I go on…and be able to take care of the babies the way they deserve when I feel this way?
My babies deserve the best…and quiet frankly I do not deserve them.  I got told today that I am the best mother that staff here in the shelter has seen the whole time they have worked here.  That is pathetic.  Honestly….I suck.  I am in a domestic violence shelter with no hope of getting out anytime soon. 
Today I got told at the apartment interview…that I will be denied.  So I guess that idea was bogus.  Stupid evictions.
I am so mad at myself it is unreal.  I don’t know what to do.  I hate this.  Why did I let everything happen…why did I have kids…why??
I haven’t cut in 9 years.  The last time I cut myself was the rims I slit my wrist….after my husband (boyfriend at the time) had his first big freakout and choked me and made me think I was going to die. So it has been a long time…but I kinda think I need to right now.  I am lost.  I know it will make things ok again.  But shit….how childish?!?!  So I probably can’t.
I hate this hopelessness.  I can’t stop my head from these stupid thoughts.  I can’t relax, I can’t sleep.
Seriously…im thinking a bunch of meth would do me good.  Why not?  Everyone else can…why not me?  Why do I always have to be strong?  Why do I have to be perfect?  Why can’t I be a screw up?
It’s not fair!  I want to escape.  I want to not give a shit.  I want to be stupid.  I want to do whatever and not care the consequences.  But that’s not me…ugh.  Wish it was right now.


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