I came so close….

Bible study today was a new topic.
It was about anxiety and depression.  The first step…was saying, finding out what our mail cause of depression and anxiety is.  What the root of our issues truly is.
Other women spoke….and I raised my hand to speak regarding where the root of issues lies.  I let the other woman speak….got teary…almost cried, was almost relieved that I was going to let go, that I was going to trust, I was going to release what has held me captive.  For some reason…I was glad.
Nobody here knows me at all, nobody knows my husband, my family, or a single person I know outside of shelter.  I am alone in the middle of this country.  It seemed so right to just let it out.  Duck what others think.  It doesn’t matter, they can’t tell anybody who knows me.  I should have spoke.
But…they waited for a little bit…and I was frozen.  The wall was up as quick as I let it down.

All I wanted to say was “I have never been happy.  I do not know what it is to be loved.  In my 27 years….there have been 2 years that I wasn’t severely abused.  First my dad… physically and sexually until I was 14.  Then threatened and stalked by my best friends boyfriend for a year.  Then I met my husband a few months after turning 18….Left 9 years later.  I have been away from him since August.

I couldn’t say it though. As if words make it real.

It shouldn’t have been hard to say a few words, to let the truth out. Ugh but I didn’t…

I am afraid of many things….being weak, getting sympathy, having people know.

I should have spoke…I am disappointed I didn’t. It’s hard for me…and I let my fear get in the way, I put my wall back up.

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