There MUST be more to life than being hurt

I refuse to believe that I was made to be hurt…then to die.

There is no way.

I feel like there is a tattoo on my forehead that says “Hurt Me!!”

My own dad physically and sexually abused me from before I remember, my first memories at 6 are of the sexual abuse…through age 14.  Till I went to school councilor and told them simply he “touched” me.  Within hours he was arrested.  The older I got the worse things for for me.  My first suicide attempt was at 9.  Never did my mom support me, take me to a doctor, or therapist.  To this day…she has never asked what happened.  I get it is hard for her…but wouldn’t you’d CHILD matter a little?  I guess not.  When she mentioned my dad…it was to say how mad she was he was gone, to say the boys needed him…and to say we were poor because he was in prison.
So I left home shortly after…when I was still 14.  No attempt was made to find me.  I called her 6 months later….and she nonchalantly asked if I was coming home.  I told her no…and she left it alone.  No care or love to speak of.

Then…at 18.  I fell for him…he was handsome, charming, sweet, smart, a little bad, a little older….and most importantly he liked ME.  Boy was I stupid…

I need good to come from my pain.  I need to find someone like me…who would never hurt someone so viciously on purpose.

Are there guys out there who wouldn’t hurt a woman? 

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4 Comments

  1. yes my love there are but please do not weigh your self worth on the love of a man, We are woman, we are the strongest sex out there. There is a great book called mothering without a map…I had to read it and maybe you could find some interesting things in there.
    Remember , no one will love you if you do not love yourself first. You are worth it. YOu are amazing….Keep that chin up-we are with you, to support you, a shoulder to cry on and an ear to yell into when you need that….

  2. I agree with Abby – there are men who would not hurt a woman, but you must be able to say that you don’t NEED a man before you go looking for one. Only when you are complete in yourself can you truly love another, and they have to be complete, too.

      • Hurting others is certainly easier than healing oneself, waiting until you’re healed, and then looking for a relationship. Everywhere we turn are messages that we are supposed to march through life two-by-two, giving us no time to recover from one bad relationship before being thrown into another, leading to failure after failure after failure. Until you love yourself, your judgement is clouded about other people and you can’t see their potential to hurt you. Abusers can see a wounded victim a mile away and they will prey on you, sucking you in and taking you down. Again. I think that the number of abusers is on the rise AND we are more aware because we victims are talking about it now, not sweeping it under a rug and keeping our hurt inside until we die.

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