Here I am…
I’m buzzed…happy though. Almost fell in the rain while smoking and trying to get WordPress open. 6 quick shots of whiskey.
Oh…man. Not needed. But im ok….I’m happy…a little numb.
Stupid actually. Drinking is not condoned here. It actually could put us all on the street. Yet…here I am. And I am getting anxiety….because I only have one little bottle left.
Im not a drinker…I really am not. But right now…I don’t care. I am hurt. I am mad. I don’t know what to do.
I truly have it stuck in my head to be super stupid. I want to do x…have sex, even shoot up some h or meth, or a snowball.
I know it is stupid…and quiet frankly…I don’t care and that scared me. it confused me.
I really want to go off the deep end…and I have no actual reason for it. I just want to. Everybody else can….why not me?
Why can’t I be hurt, broken and make stupid choices simply because I can?
Childish….I know. Stupid….I know. But still….in no way does that knowledge change the facts. Yes…I have my children. I know being stupid would be stupid, hurtful and wrong to all four of us. So the reality is that I know I probably won’t go too far off…
Still…I have these crazy stupid nagging thoughts, desires.
Maybe…it is kind of like cutting for me. I haven’t cut since I almost killed myself at 19. but the desire sometimes arises. The desire to be in control of me, my own pain, my own sorrow, my own issues and my own problems.
In no way can I be the only one with these thoughts. In no way can I be alone in resisting most stupid desires.
Simply put…I am glad I started this blog…to keep myself accountable, to keep myself sane.
I can’t allow myself to feel completely alone and undated for and unloved than I completely give in to every whim. That would be insanity.
Inspite of all I have been been through at the hands of others I truly to take pride in my knowledge about various things,y ability to look outside the box and how I think about things. While I am not very smart…I am certainly not stupid and I am very analytical, have been accused of being a conspiracy theorist and I do think lot.
I guess …in reality…I know me. I know what I an capable of, I know how far I have let myself go, how far I am willing to go and what I will really do.
I know I do not like being looked down to, I do not like being judged and I do not like making stupid choices. So the hoped reality is that matter how I feel…I won’t be told stupid.
The reality is…That has not always been the case. XP maybe I blog to get it out. To not be completely alone in my thoughts, to be accountable, to have support.
Wow…I will post this. I can hardly see straight. My thoughts are certainly all over the place. But it is okay I hope.
I think writing down my thought,admitting how I stumble and what my thought process consists of is truly helping me…and that is good.
While I truly appreciate the help, ths support, the love my readers share…the reality is right now…I am kind of blogging for myself. Like my us own personal public journal.
No more secretes…no more lies….
I will now admit…I am human. I am me. I have been hurt for too long and I still know that my Lord loves me. If he didn’t…I a would give up.