7 years…

Seven years ago today….I got married.  I knew better.  I knew he had issues.  I knew he was violent, had sexual issues, drug issues.

Still I had an intense love for this man.  A love that I knew was undying, unending, would persevere in spite of everything.  I saw the good in him that no one else saw. 

But I was wrong.  Everyone else was right…in knowing that actions and words show what is going on in the heart and mind.

I was ignorant to think I could change someone, to think things would get better once they went past the point of no return. 

Simple logic did not work…and I just wish I would have accepted that sooner.  I had such pride….pride in myself, my relationship.  The illusion of perfect, the illusion of happiness.

I did not want to be seen as having issues, I didn’t want to admit my relationship had failed….and simply I did not want people to know I was hurting.

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3 Comments

  1. Everyone else had a perspective of looking at him without the LOVE getting in the way of their objectivity. Logic laced with love can never truly be logical, especially as a woman. We are built by our creator to be the nuturer… look at our role within the family… we care for husbands and children. We coddle, we nurse ill ones back to health, we protect, we shelter, we comfort. Our love for someone makes it impossible to ever be truly logical or impartial. Now when the people we love don’t abuse how we feel about them, there isn’t an issue with this. It’s just when we develop that emotional attachment for the wrong person. And we never would have gotten that far had we known all the bad about them from the get-go. That makes it even harder to be objective. Because by that time, we are stuck in nurture-nurse mode and feel that maybe our love can save them. Help them. Change them. But it cannot. No one’s can. And our love makes it hard for us to accept that something like this could be true. And instead of taking it at face value and seeing that the issue lies with the undeserving party, we internalize it and twist and warp it in our heads and make it our fault. Our failure.

    You were a woman in love. Why be so hard on yourself for being genuine about your emotions and who you are? It isn’t so much that your love for him was lacking or flawed that caused the problem. He simply abused and took for granted what you offered up to him in honesty and sincerity. You DID NOT fail.

    He did. On so many levels it would take several volumes to describe exactly how much at fault he was.

  2. Thank you.

    You are correct, you make sense. I know I need to stop over thinking everything, wondering, replaying. It is hard though.

    I believe what you say…I give the same words to others…but for some reason I do not allow myself to think the same for me. I am not sure why there is that gap in thinking or how I bridge it.

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