Made it through another day

Starting this blog was a good thing I believe.  I am connecting with other survivers, finding a voice, venting, and opening up.

While I say it is a good thing, it has been hard for me.  Facing some of these things head on, telling my story, reading other peoples stories, and admitting to myself (and the world) that I have issues, made mistakes, and still struggle with things in my head

the fact remains….I am only human.  I am not perfect.  My life hasn’t been perfect.  You know what, that is finally ok.  No more pretending, more denial, more lies.

I just about made it through today….and quite frankly…it wasn’t that bad.  I didn’t really miss him so much as be sad about what I wanted from him, our relationship and our marriage.  I am mourning what could have been, what I wanted, what I thought we could have had and what I thought we deserved.

But it is ok.  I  am ok.  I will be ok.  This is my life and I need to assess how I deal with things. 

As they say life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you deal with it.  That is true. 

I need to really know that in spite of everything God truly loves me, that he has a plan for me and my life.  I need to find myself, pursue my dreams, find a passion.  I am not sure how to live for me…so I live for my kids.  While I love them with all my heart…I need more.  I still need to find me, find what makes me happy and live for me.

I did not get all my problems overnight…and they will not be solved overnight.  I know this.  I am a instant gratification, instant solution person.  But there are no quick solutions…and I need to be ok with that, go one day at a time,
In my heart I know that I need to make good out of the abuse from my dad and my husband.  I am unwilling to believe I have suffered for 24 of my 27 years at their hands all in vain.  That can not be possible.

Some good must come from my pain.  That I can somehow help someone.  I am not sure how…I just hope I can.  Hope does not disappoint.

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