Starting this blog was a good thing I believe. I am connecting with other survivers, finding a voice, venting, and opening up.
While I say it is a good thing, it has been hard for me. Facing some of these things head on, telling my story, reading other peoples stories, and admitting to myself (and the world) that I have issues, made mistakes, and still struggle with things in my head
the fact remains….I am only human. I am not perfect. My life hasn’t been perfect. You know what, that is finally ok. No more pretending, more denial, more lies.
I just about made it through today….and quite frankly…it wasn’t that bad. I didn’t really miss him so much as be sad about what I wanted from him, our relationship and our marriage. I am mourning what could have been, what I wanted, what I thought we could have had and what I thought we deserved.
But it is ok. I am ok. I will be ok. This is my life and I need to assess how I deal with things.
As they say life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you deal with it. That is true.
I need to really know that in spite of everything God truly loves me, that he has a plan for me and my life. I need to find myself, pursue my dreams, find a passion. I am not sure how to live for me…so I live for my kids. While I love them with all my heart…I need more. I still need to find me, find what makes me happy and live for me.
I did not get all my problems overnight…and they will not be solved overnight. I know this. I am a instant gratification, instant solution person. But there are no quick solutions…and I need to be ok with that, go one day at a time,
In my heart I know that I need to make good out of the abuse from my dad and my husband. I am unwilling to believe I have suffered for 24 of my 27 years at their hands all in vain. That can not be possible.
Some good must come from my pain. That I can somehow help someone. I am not sure how…I just hope I can. Hope does not disappoint.