Did my complete workout routine today. 🙂 Yay!
15 minute ab workout, 15 minute leg workout, 15 minute butt workout, 15 minute arm routine. Then walked with my double stroller and the 8 month old in a chest carrier for over 3 hours. Not too bad.
On my walk though…I got to thinking. Which wasn’t really a good thing. My mind was racing, my thoughts spinning, my logic flawed. Not good. It was fine till I walked by this house I love. A huge brick Victorian home, built in the late 1800s. Huge, immaculate, made of red brick. The windows are spotless, the fall leaves decorate the yard. It is a dream home. I allowed myself to imagine having it as my own. I imagined what if looked like inside, how I would feel walking around inside…then my heart began go race, my pulse and breathing quickened. I was frozen terrified. But not exactly sure why. I had a full fledged panic attack simply by looking at this beautiful home. Everything was fine, then I thought about him being in the home with me…and it was terror. To be in such a huge home..with no way to escape. With no one to hear the screams…with so many places to be shoved away for days…for weeks. Forever.
After a few minutes…it was over and I went on my way.
But I began to question myself, my logic, why I freaked. I wondered if maybe I am a crazy person who is over reacting. Who needs to go back to her husband…the dad of her 3 babies. Maybe…one more chance is worth a lifetime…or maybe it would cost my life.
I think of myself as pretty logical person, but what if I am over reacting? What if he wouldn’t kill me? He almost did too many times…but he didn’t. So I might be must being stupid.
Then after going around and around with myself…I stopped and logic kicked in once again.
If I am overreacting that would still be better than his over reacting. I am sorry if he is truly hurting…but he probably isn’t really hurting. But if he is…I am ok with that. My hurting is still going on too…I never wanted this. I got put in a position that I tried to sent for years…that I danced around…that I tried to fix.
it wasn’t a quick journey to get here…so I can’t expect a quick solution.