Workout and crazy thinking

Did my complete workout routine today.  🙂  Yay!
15 minute ab workout, 15 minute leg workout, 15 minute butt workout, 15 minute arm routine.  Then walked with my double stroller and the 8 month old in a chest carrier for over 3 hours.  Not too bad.

On my walk though…I got to thinking.  Which wasn’t really a good thing.  My mind was racing, my thoughts spinning, my logic flawed.  Not good.  It was fine till I walked by this house I love.  A huge brick Victorian home, built in the late 1800s.  Huge, immaculate, made of red brick.  The windows are spotless, the fall leaves decorate the yard.  It is a dream home.  I allowed myself to imagine having it as my own.  I imagined what if looked like inside, how I would feel walking around inside…then my heart began go race, my pulse and breathing quickened.  I was frozen terrified.  But not exactly sure why.  I had a full fledged panic attack simply by looking at this beautiful home.  Everything was fine, then I thought about him being in the home with me…and it was terror.  To be in such a huge home..with no way to escape.  With no one to hear the screams…with so many places to be shoved away for days…for weeks.  Forever.

After a few minutes…it was over and I went on my way. 

But I began to question myself, my logic, why I freaked.  I wondered if maybe I am a crazy person who is over reacting.  Who needs to go back to her husband…the dad of her 3 babies.  Maybe…one more chance is worth a lifetime…or maybe it would cost my life.

I think of myself as pretty logical person, but what if I am over reacting?  What if he wouldn’t kill me?  He almost did too many times…but he didn’t.  So I might be must being stupid.

Then after going around and around with myself…I stopped and logic kicked in once again.

If I am overreacting that would still be better than his over reacting.  I am sorry if he is truly hurting…but he probably isn’t really hurting.  But if he is…I am ok with that.  My hurting is still going on too…I never wanted this.  I got put in a position that I tried to sent for years…that I danced around…that I tried to fix.

it wasn’t a quick journey to get here…so I can’t expect a quick solution.

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2 Comments

  1. Maybe it caused a panic within you because of what it meant metaphorically? The house looks so beautiful and well-kept on the outside, but what of it was all just an appearance? What if what was behind those walls was what like you lived through? You thought it would be a nice place for a family, correct? Then you thought about yours. The associations come fast and hard, but they are lies. They confuse you.

    It doesn’t mean so much that you had the panic attack and those thoughts about being with him or him hurting. On the contrary to you maybe thinking you are crazy, it actually means that you are a loving, compassionate person who wanted a family the way it is really supposed to be. What matters most is that you are able to reign these thoughts back in. It is still rocky for you, but you are starting to find that spark that is lighting you back to life. It is slowly bringing the ability around to fight all the craziness and confusion he forced into your head. You should be proud of yourself! It is a hard to fight to win.

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