My home

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Phoenix…you will always be my home.  I miss you more than I thought I would. 
I guess absence makes the heart fonder. 
Maybe I miss you so much because you are all I truly know, my family, and friends are there and it is a place I feel safe.  Truly…I know the city like the back of my hand and regardless of crime I know im ok there.
But doing home is not an option.

My husbands brother was a head in the Aryan Brotherhood, and a lot of his family are in the Hells Angels…and he swore up and down if I ever fucked him over…I was done for and I wouldn’t know what was coming or who they were.  So I hide in fear…

I didn’t fuck him over though…wanting a happy and safe life for me and my children is not an attack on him.  It really isn’t personal.  I tried for 9 years…isn’t that long enough to know if things would ever be ok?

New fear of sleeping?

I think I have acquired a fear of sleeping on top of my insomnia.

Most of my life I have been a good sleeper aside from sleep walking,  talking and eating in my sleep.  As a child…those things didn’t bug me though.

Anyway…I honestly don’t remember when my actual sleep issues arrived.  Looking back…it has been at least 4 years.  Between heartburn and leg cramps while pregnant, my husband waking me to yell and hurt me or accuse me of sneaking into bed, and the kids….I do not recall what normal sleep feels like.

Anyway…I have been unable to come close to falling asleep until 1 to 2 am most days.  That wouldn’t matter if all 3 kids didn’t wake me before 7am.

Anyway…I have been trying to get more sleep this past week…but it just isn’t coming.  I am wide awake…no hint of sleepiness until after midnight.  Then…as I lay in bed and start to fall asleep my mind Wales me up in a panic.  To the point my body feels that sleeping will get me killed.  Mg body and mind are telling each other that sleep will hurt me and it is freaking me out. 

I know it isn’t logical…but the thought isn’t conscious.  It is occurring outside my actual thinking.  I didn’t realize why I kept startling so badly and getting so afraid and tearful even as I fall asleep until last night.
Last night I had the WORST time.  Each time I started to dream I got the SAME “predream”.  Im not sure you know what a predream is to me….but it is those vivid dreams you get JUST prior to falling asleep…the ones you get when you are really tired and are kinda fighting the sleep.  Anyway for over 3 hours I kept falling asleep and felt a being standing over me.  It was dark and evil and mean.  It was quiet and when I started to drift off my mind kept telling me it could see me.  I know this sounds nuts…and I know morning was physically there…but that was my issue.
When I got up this morning I was exhausted and thought about what happened.  I realized the same fear I got last night…is the fear and startling panic I get when I fall asleep most of the time.

So…yeah…im not crazy.  I just think I need meds to sleep or something.  I can’t just never sleep.

I don’t know if the issuers I’m having sleeping are stemming from all the harassment and abuse I went through when I was sleeping or trying to sleep.  I don’t even know if that is possible or how to fix it if it is the issue.
Have any of you experienced anything similar or know someone that has?  I feel a little wacko even talking like this.

Grilled Cheese

There are some moments in life you will always remember.  Now…I am not a very good cook.  I can follow a recipe…and bake, but coming up with big fancy meals isn’t me.

Anyway…my husband is an excellent cook.  His dad owns a restaurant and catering business, so it kinda runs in the family.  My husband is a firm believer that preparing food is a way to show love.

One day he was playing Call of Duty and I made myself a grilled cheese.  He asked me to make him one, so I did.  I brought it to him and he said “thank you” and proceeded to play the game.  After about a half hour, he decided to eat the grilled cheese.  He took one bite and said “What the fuck is this bath thing?”  and hurled it across the living room almost hitting me with it.  I stood there dumbfounded.  He continued to rant and race asking me why I can’t make a grilled cheese, how much cheese I put on it, why the cheese wasn’t melted.  He kept expressing his disgust over the fact I can’t cook, that I was being lazy and that I was trying to piss him off.  This whole episode lasted over a half hour…leaving me feeling like crap and apologizing way too many times.

Now…in my defense…it was NOT a bad grilled cheese, it wasn’t burnt or soggy.  It was just right.  But when he left it sit…the cheese hardened back up and it got cold.

Every time someone offers to make me a grilled cheese I am soooo tempted to reenact how he acted.  Just to see their reaction…and to see if I still have the whole acting thing down.  I wouldn’t let it go on more than a minute…but I would like to see their reaction.

Seriously…who does that?  We had been getting along and there was no reason I can think of to overreact so badly.  Then to make me feel sooooo bad about myself for making him what he asked for.

Now…I find it kinda laughable.  There is no anger or resentment.  Simply don’t get it…and as time goes on I am realizing and accepting that since I so not think how he does…I will never understand.  And that is on with me.

Still…some poor lady might get a grilled cheese thrown at her.  But I don’t want to make someone actually sad or really hurt their feelings…