I think I have acquired a fear of sleeping on top of my insomnia.
Most of my life I have been a good sleeper aside from sleep walking, talking and eating in my sleep. As a child…those things didn’t bug me though.
Anyway…I honestly don’t remember when my actual sleep issues arrived. Looking back…it has been at least 4 years. Between heartburn and leg cramps while pregnant, my husband waking me to yell and hurt me or accuse me of sneaking into bed, and the kids….I do not recall what normal sleep feels like.
Anyway…I have been unable to come close to falling asleep until 1 to 2 am most days. That wouldn’t matter if all 3 kids didn’t wake me before 7am.
Anyway…I have been trying to get more sleep this past week…but it just isn’t coming. I am wide awake…no hint of sleepiness until after midnight. Then…as I lay in bed and start to fall asleep my mind Wales me up in a panic. To the point my body feels that sleeping will get me killed. Mg body and mind are telling each other that sleep will hurt me and it is freaking me out.
I know it isn’t logical…but the thought isn’t conscious. It is occurring outside my actual thinking. I didn’t realize why I kept startling so badly and getting so afraid and tearful even as I fall asleep until last night.
Last night I had the WORST time. Each time I started to dream I got the SAME “predream”. Im not sure you know what a predream is to me….but it is those vivid dreams you get JUST prior to falling asleep…the ones you get when you are really tired and are kinda fighting the sleep. Anyway for over 3 hours I kept falling asleep and felt a being standing over me. It was dark and evil and mean. It was quiet and when I started to drift off my mind kept telling me it could see me. I know this sounds nuts…and I know morning was physically there…but that was my issue.
When I got up this morning I was exhausted and thought about what happened. I realized the same fear I got last night…is the fear and startling panic I get when I fall asleep most of the time.
So…yeah…im not crazy. I just think I need meds to sleep or something. I can’t just never sleep.
I don’t know if the issuers I’m having sleeping are stemming from all the harassment and abuse I went through when I was sleeping or trying to sleep. I don’t even know if that is possible or how to fix it if it is the issue.
Have any of you experienced anything similar or know someone that has? I feel a little wacko even talking like this.