Wait for you Lyrics

I love this song.  Makes me cry whenever I hear it.  I truly am a hopeless romantic and it hurts so bad to walk away knowing things will never be ok.  I still love my husband, which is stupid because I guess I need to accept that he never loved me.

Yes, I am that afraid of you.  How I wish that things were different.  That I could spend one last night holding you, cuddling and watching the new season of Heroes. 

You broke my heart.  And I hate that I still only want you.


Passive aggressive assholes

Why is it that I must remind myself that most people are not passive aggressive assholes toward me?  Why do I feel like people are trying to attack me without actually attacking me?

I am logical…and I can pin point my illogical thinking.  But I still think things that I know aren’t true.

Here are some examples…
Someone will say “I hate when girls think they look good when that don’t.”  Or “it is so annoying when girls wear clothes that are too small for them”.   Now ….logically I know I do not think I look good or am hott stuff….I also know my clothes aren’t too small…but here I am thinking of those comments like there is a hidden message.  There is none.  I know this…but I am still trying to find out if in any way it was said about me in front of me.

I guess having my husband talk so much shit to my face makes me think others do it as frequently.  But that don’t.  I know I wouldn’t do that to someone unless there was a REAL reason….even then I can’t think of a scenario in which I would do that

I am an addict

This is the 6th attempt at this blog.  I do not want to write it.  It is my hardest post yet.  I do not like to think about this, talk about it or even admit it to myself.
But…what is done in dark must be brought to light.  I can not be strong and do what I need to do by lying to myself.
I have a Celebrate Recovery group that I want to attend tomorrow…and I am terified.  I keep thinking that if I go, admit that I have used drugs that I will lose my children or my custody case.  But….I know that is more of an excuse so I can copp out and not go.  My heart and mind convict me and tell me that I must go.  So I will.
Anyway….I do not remember when I started drinking.  My first memory of being drunk was at 8 years old…with my neighbors.  Both my parents were drunk and I can not fathom why they let me drink and get drunk.  At 14 I smoked weed and did meth for the first time.  I have never been a fan of weed, but I was hooked on dope (meth) from the first time I smoked it.  Throughout high school I did it quite often and when I graduated I decided enough was enough.  I got into security work, met my husband (boyfriend at the time) and was clean for 6 months. When my boyfriend decided to bail on his probation and go into hiding with me and a warrant we got into dope, weed, coke, shrooms, pills and drinking from morning till night.  Then I would go to work with alcohol in my coffee mug and get shots from the convience store during my breaks.  I was the definition of functioning addict.  We partied for 6 months…till the US Marshalls busted in our door and arrested my boyfriend.  That day I quit all drugs, pills, smoking cigarettes, drinking soda, junk food.  The shakes, vomiting, passing out etc was almost unbearable.  I couldn’t eat for almost a week.  I later picked up smoking and pop again.  But I did not touch a drug from 2006-2012 aside from spice (that K2 stuff a few times… fake weed when it was legal). 
My boyfriend got out of jail, we got married and he remained on probation until 2012 when he violated for the last time.  The day he violated and again hid he got some dope and smoked it for almost a week before the US Marshalls again arrested him.  We got into many fights that weej because he wanted me to “have fun” and smoke a bowl with him.  I knew and know that meth is my drug of choice and he wouldnt take no for an answer.  Finally the night before he got arrested I told him I wanted to smoke a bowl and ended up smoking a few that day.  But relapsed only for a day.  Made me sick….made me hate myself.  I had two children and that was the first time I had used in almost 7 years.

When my husband got out of jail he was taken off probation all together.  He got 17 grams of dope and kept up the craziness for almost a year.  Throughout my entire pregnancy with my daughter.  After my daughter was born in March of 2013 my husband locked me in the bathroom with him accusing me of stealing his dope, poisoning it and cutting it.  He was convinced that I was doing something and kept me in their for over 4 hours while he smoked the dope saying he would kill me for messing with his stuff and that I was saying I didnt want to do meth because I was guilty of poisoning it.  I gave in and smoked a few hits.  This same scenerio played out more than several times before I was able to leave in August 2013.
Now here is the kicker….I had a girl ask if I wanted a line on Halloween and I said yes.  I felt like a rebel…glad to be CHOOSING to use.  Loving the freedom and how it makes me feel.
That was the last time I used.
I have kept my adiction to myself.  Do not let on that I do have a drug of choice because I am of the midset that it doesnt affect me badly.  Dumb concidering what I saw it do to my husband.  Anyway…if it were in front of me…I don’t know that I would say no.

This is why I must i to celebrate recovery.  I have been sober for 5 months…and I am an addict.  Being alone in Missouri and not having much of a support system does not help.

So..it is what it is.  I will not let an illogical fear stop me from learning how to overcome this. 

Goodnight all.

I thought my forgiveness would pay off

I truly thought that forgiving my husband time and time again would pay off.  I believed that one dqy he would see that I truly loved him, was not out to get him and would stand by him even when the whole world was against him. 
My mistake…

Now…I wish I had not covered up his crimes.  I wish I had not been so quick to let everything go.

I wish I had taken pictures of my injuries, had documented all the abuse and had went to the police. 

It isn’t so much as a revenge thing, but more of a issue that he has gotten away with so much and never has to face consequences of his actions.
I am not the first woman he has abused.  I will not be the last.  Woman should not have to hide and move because of my abusive, paranoid, sociopath. 

I hope I never allow myself to become in another abusive situation.  But if I do, I will not be so quick to forgive.  I will not ignore the warning signs.  I will not stay is verbally abusive, sexually abusive, or physically violent against me or my children.
I have been seperated from my abuser for almost 8 months.  The divorce is in its begining stages and in no way am I looking for a relationship.  I have things in my own life and my own mind I need to get worked out.  If I am meant to find someone, it will happen when both of us are ready.  I will not allow myself to get attached to someone then find put they are nuts.  I plan to prevent that by not getting sexual with anyone.  Getting sexual creates a bond that need not be there expecially when getting to know someone. 
Yes, I am lonely, yes, it sucks.  But being with the wrong person or an abusive person sucks even more.  I do not need a man to complete me.
I am strong, beautiful and worthy of having a safe and happy life. 

Two broken people can not make a healthy relationship.  You need to be healthy in order to set boundries, act the way you should and ensure you are treated the way you deserve.

Filed for divorce: Part 2

One post is not enough to go over all my feelings regarding this topic.

I met my husband when I was 18, we married when I was 20 and he was 24.  When I was 24 we had our first child. 
There was no doubt that I would love him and stick by him through everything and divorce would never be an option or concidered.  Honestly, until last September I never even flirted with the thought in my mind.  When I left him in August I had every intent to allow him to get into treatment, get therapy and become a normal adult…job, his own place and be healthy.
It took me being safe, seeing him blatently lie under oath and his total lack of remorse for me to realize that I will never trust him again.  I have seen him at his worse both with the aid of meth and while sober.
I hope God forgives me for giving up.  I tried for 9 years…married for 7 of them.  I just know it went past what will ever be ok.  My heart convicts me to keep hope, but I am listening to my brain.
I can not put my life or my childrens lives at risk anymore.  This may sound mean…but simply my marriage and even my husband is not worth that.  Sounds awful and heartless.  Even as I type this…i keep feeling like I need to explain the extent of abuse, or talk about the death threats and being choked and having my c-section staples ripped apart 10 plus times in the month after I had our youngest.
Why do I need to explain myself?  Why do I feel like suxh a failure?  Am I really still trying to convince myself that what I am doing is not wrong?

The second part of this is the most illogical part of my emotional issues with the whols divorce thing.  I feel bad for my husband.  I still love him and know inspite of all he has done he is not some evil monster. God made him the most beautful person and it breaks my heart that if he ever changes…some other girl will have what I saw in him and thought was mine.  Now…I am crying because it doesnt make sense…why push someone till the relationship is irrepairable?  Why break someone down till they are unsure who they are anymore? I feel bad for trying to seperate from him forever because through the 9 years we were together nobody stuck by him, when he was locked up his parents and brothers wouldnt write him or visit. 
I feel so guilty for giving up on him like everyone else has….

But I am strong enough now that simply I will do what I need to do.  I will do what is right.  I will be healthy and safe and keep my kids safe.  Plain and simple. 

Filed for divorce

A few weeks ago, I applied for divorce.  I have a lawyer and I asked for full custody, no visitation and for my husband to sign his rights away. 
It was not an easy choice.  Well, I knew divorce was the only option for me, but the aspect regarding the kids was hard. 

I know without a doubt the only way the kids and I can be safe and happy is no contact.  For us to completely remove ourselves from the situation, abuse and harassment for good. He has abused me, the kids, hurt me in front of them, and done awful stuff.
He has threatened to kill our children and has used them as “bait” to get to me to hurt me and kidnap me.  I am terrified that if he is involved things will be bad…and people will die.
I have had ZERO contact since I got the restraining order in September.  So 6 months…he does not know where I am hiding and I feel this is the calm before the storm.
He has not yet been served and I pray that he simply does not fight this.  I know if he is sober, he should realize what he has done and give me and the kids what we need…peace, safety and security.  However…if he fights it and claims I should trust him, I know he is still delutional and not to be trustes.
So nerve racking…not knowing if I will be allowed to be safe or if I will need to have him close in our lives.  If he fights it…I will aim for supervised visits that he pays the state to watch him watch the kids for a few hours a month.  Even that…is not safe and makes me almost throw up.

I feel so stupid…for marrying him, then having three kids with him and never thinking about what would happen if we seperated or if his abuse got as bad as it did or if he got into meth really bad.  I never thought about anything except that we would be together and raise our kids together.  I never left the option of divorce as an option.  I was determined to make it work.  But it takes two people…
Good night folks….I went and got myself all upset with me.

It isnt my fault though.  He made all of his choices on his own.


Tonight…I found myself missing my old life.  Missing falling asleep next to my husband, missed hearing his stories and his laugh and cuddling on the couch watching entire seasons of Heroes. 
Put on some Pandora and “Home” by Three Doors Down popped up.  Brought me back to reality. 
Our house was not a home.  I am better off alone.  The arguing, threats, screaming, fighting, abuse and other issues were no good.
I created a facade of our relationship in both my own mind and in the minds of others by how I portrayed our life.

Never again will I lie to myself.  I will not settle for less than I deserve in regards to how I am treated.

Although lonliness attacked me today, I will not give in.  I will not give up or settle.  I will not betray myself or my morals.