Filed for divorce: Part 2

One post is not enough to go over all my feelings regarding this topic.

I met my husband when I was 18, we married when I was 20 and he was 24.  When I was 24 we had our first child. 
There was no doubt that I would love him and stick by him through everything and divorce would never be an option or concidered.  Honestly, until last September I never even flirted with the thought in my mind.  When I left him in August I had every intent to allow him to get into treatment, get therapy and become a normal adult…job, his own place and be healthy.
It took me being safe, seeing him blatently lie under oath and his total lack of remorse for me to realize that I will never trust him again.  I have seen him at his worse both with the aid of meth and while sober.
I hope God forgives me for giving up.  I tried for 9 years…married for 7 of them.  I just know it went past what will ever be ok.  My heart convicts me to keep hope, but I am listening to my brain.
I can not put my life or my childrens lives at risk anymore.  This may sound mean…but simply my marriage and even my husband is not worth that.  Sounds awful and heartless.  Even as I type this…i keep feeling like I need to explain the extent of abuse, or talk about the death threats and being choked and having my c-section staples ripped apart 10 plus times in the month after I had our youngest.
Why do I need to explain myself?  Why do I feel like suxh a failure?  Am I really still trying to convince myself that what I am doing is not wrong?

The second part of this is the most illogical part of my emotional issues with the whols divorce thing.  I feel bad for my husband.  I still love him and know inspite of all he has done he is not some evil monster. God made him the most beautful person and it breaks my heart that if he ever changes…some other girl will have what I saw in him and thought was mine.  Now…I am crying because it doesnt make sense…why push someone till the relationship is irrepairable?  Why break someone down till they are unsure who they are anymore? I feel bad for trying to seperate from him forever because through the 9 years we were together nobody stuck by him, when he was locked up his parents and brothers wouldnt write him or visit. 
I feel so guilty for giving up on him like everyone else has….

But I am strong enough now that simply I will do what I need to do.  I will do what is right.  I will be healthy and safe and keep my kids safe.  Plain and simple. 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s