I thought my forgiveness would pay off

I truly thought that forgiving my husband time and time again would pay off.  I believed that one dqy he would see that I truly loved him, was not out to get him and would stand by him even when the whole world was against him. 
My mistake…

Now…I wish I had not covered up his crimes.  I wish I had not been so quick to let everything go.

I wish I had taken pictures of my injuries, had documented all the abuse and had went to the police. 

It isn’t so much as a revenge thing, but more of a issue that he has gotten away with so much and never has to face consequences of his actions.
I am not the first woman he has abused.  I will not be the last.  Woman should not have to hide and move because of my abusive, paranoid, sociopath. 

I hope I never allow myself to become in another abusive situation.  But if I do, I will not be so quick to forgive.  I will not ignore the warning signs.  I will not stay is verbally abusive, sexually abusive, or physically violent against me or my children.
I have been seperated from my abuser for almost 8 months.  The divorce is in its begining stages and in no way am I looking for a relationship.  I have things in my own life and my own mind I need to get worked out.  If I am meant to find someone, it will happen when both of us are ready.  I will not allow myself to get attached to someone then find put they are nuts.  I plan to prevent that by not getting sexual with anyone.  Getting sexual creates a bond that need not be there expecially when getting to know someone. 
Yes, I am lonely, yes, it sucks.  But being with the wrong person or an abusive person sucks even more.  I do not need a man to complete me.
I am strong, beautiful and worthy of having a safe and happy life. 

Two broken people can not make a healthy relationship.  You need to be healthy in order to set boundries, act the way you should and ensure you are treated the way you deserve.

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4 Comments

    • Thank you for being so kind. I also am unsure I will be able to trust again or even want to be in a relationship.
      Deep down, I am a romantic and thinking I will spend my life alone os depressing. However, it would be far worse to be in a bad relationship than to be alone.
      All I know for sure is I am determined not zo allow lonliness or “the illution of being loved” cloud my judgement. If there is someone out there for me…this person will not push me into doing things I do not want. I have to keep faith and be strong. Not just for me…but for my kids.

  1. I know this comes as little comfort to this struggle you have with decisions that have been made and cannot be changed. Torturing yourself with them is only going to make things harder for you. Due to the severity and level of depravity I saw with the ex, I did not struggle long with the confusion between wanting him to just see my worth, my heart, and wanting the beatings and verbal assaults to stop. He took me so far past anything I ever thought existed that any affection or love I may have felt in the beginning was killed off. All that remained was trying to correct whatever transgression I was committing that was “earning” me the beatings. It took me a while myself to see that I only felt that way because he destroyed my esteem and confidence and was able to so far twist my thinking that truly did feel it was my fault.

    Try to take some comfort in the fact that no one can say you didn’t try beyond the point of endurance to make things work, the make him happy, to be a good wife. But you must know that you were not the broken one. And even if you did everything, said everything perfectly, he would not have stopped causing you harm.

    I did for the longest time, and sometimes still do, struggle with the fact that I did not have my ex arrested, that I didn’t have any photos of the 1,551 days I spent being abused by him until the last time, the last ten hours with him that prompted me fleeing my apartment with nothing. I cannot fault myself for this now, because he was working as an informant and doing weapons sales, and I was not safe. Every time he got into trouble, his friends in the agencies always got him out of it. I know had I had him arrested and charged, they would have helped him. There would have been retribution. But this one small decision has had a profound impact on my life the past 16 months since leaving him. So much so that when I come against something that may have been different had I made this one little choice differently, I find myself become angry again. Angry that he did the things he did, that I was hurt so badly by him, and that he always gets away with everything and walks around on the street as a free man having no guilt when in all actuality, he should be crushed under the weight of it.

    Take your time healing from the abuse you endured. If you rush headlong into another relationship before you have healed enough, you will be a prime target, because abusers can spot your weak spots a mile away, and they will use this against you. I will you keep in you my prayers and thoughts.

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