This is the 6th attempt at this blog. I do not want to write it. It is my hardest post yet. I do not like to think about this, talk about it or even admit it to myself.
But…what is done in dark must be brought to light. I can not be strong and do what I need to do by lying to myself.
I have a Celebrate Recovery group that I want to attend tomorrow…and I am terified. I keep thinking that if I go, admit that I have used drugs that I will lose my children or my custody case. But….I know that is more of an excuse so I can copp out and not go. My heart and mind convict me and tell me that I must go. So I will.
Anyway….I do not remember when I started drinking. My first memory of being drunk was at 8 years old…with my neighbors. Both my parents were drunk and I can not fathom why they let me drink and get drunk. At 14 I smoked weed and did meth for the first time. I have never been a fan of weed, but I was hooked on dope (meth) from the first time I smoked it. Throughout high school I did it quite often and when I graduated I decided enough was enough. I got into security work, met my husband (boyfriend at the time) and was clean for 6 months. When my boyfriend decided to bail on his probation and go into hiding with me and a warrant we got into dope, weed, coke, shrooms, pills and drinking from morning till night. Then I would go to work with alcohol in my coffee mug and get shots from the convience store during my breaks. I was the definition of functioning addict. We partied for 6 months…till the US Marshalls busted in our door and arrested my boyfriend. That day I quit all drugs, pills, smoking cigarettes, drinking soda, junk food. The shakes, vomiting, passing out etc was almost unbearable. I couldn’t eat for almost a week. I later picked up smoking and pop again. But I did not touch a drug from 2006-2012 aside from spice (that K2 stuff a few times… fake weed when it was legal).
My boyfriend got out of jail, we got married and he remained on probation until 2012 when he violated for the last time. The day he violated and again hid he got some dope and smoked it for almost a week before the US Marshalls again arrested him. We got into many fights that weej because he wanted me to “have fun” and smoke a bowl with him. I knew and know that meth is my drug of choice and he wouldnt take no for an answer. Finally the night before he got arrested I told him I wanted to smoke a bowl and ended up smoking a few that day. But relapsed only for a day. Made me sick….made me hate myself. I had two children and that was the first time I had used in almost 7 years.
When my husband got out of jail he was taken off probation all together. He got 17 grams of dope and kept up the craziness for almost a year. Throughout my entire pregnancy with my daughter. After my daughter was born in March of 2013 my husband locked me in the bathroom with him accusing me of stealing his dope, poisoning it and cutting it. He was convinced that I was doing something and kept me in their for over 4 hours while he smoked the dope saying he would kill me for messing with his stuff and that I was saying I didnt want to do meth because I was guilty of poisoning it. I gave in and smoked a few hits. This same scenerio played out more than several times before I was able to leave in August 2013.
Now here is the kicker….I had a girl ask if I wanted a line on Halloween and I said yes. I felt like a rebel…glad to be CHOOSING to use. Loving the freedom and how it makes me feel.
That was the last time I used.
I have kept my adiction to myself. Do not let on that I do have a drug of choice because I am of the midset that it doesnt affect me badly. Dumb concidering what I saw it do to my husband. Anyway…if it were in front of me…I don’t know that I would say no.
This is why I must i to celebrate recovery. I have been sober for 5 months…and I am an addict. Being alone in Missouri and not having much of a support system does not help.
So..it is what it is. I will not let an illogical fear stop me from learning how to overcome this.