Finally made the call

The county that I live in has nobody to pay for supervised visits with children.
My lawyer advised that termination of parental rights is not possible, so I need to find someone willing to supervise.

The only people I know and trust in Missouri are 5 hours away.  They are my husbands dad and stepmom.
I dropped two bombshells on them today.  One that I filed for divorce and two that I wanted them to supervise once a month for the next 18 years…

My husband has not spoken to them since the day after I got the restraining order.  So 6 months with no contact at all.  They believe he was on drugs and stole from them.
Well, I asked his stepmom and she said her first reaction is yes…but she is concerned because of the lack of relationship but mainly the fact that they do not trust him and think it will not be long before police are called.  I think they are the perfect people to supervise and possibly move away to no visits at all.
The kids are not safe with him, I am not safe around him even his dad and stepmom do not feel safe.  They are glad he has decided he wants nothing to do with them.
His stepmom will be calling my lawyer and hopefully they can come to an agreement.

I hate being forced into visits when he has not asked a soul about the kids in 6 months and he is hella dangerous.  Honestly visits are not worth my childrens lives or my life. He is not above homicide and it scares me shitless.

I wish there were an easy solution.  But there is none.

I need to relax and give it to God.  I can not control anything but myself…not my husband, not my father or mother in law, not my lawyer or the judge.  I am sick with worry and I cant get rid of it.  I am throwing up and sick to my stomache…I cant concentrate on what I need and I cant stop thinking.

Just gotta keep giving it away.  Stop stressing.  Ask God to handle it and give me peace.  I can not enjoy today worrying about tomorrow or dwelling on the past.

On a side note….I finally simply let go of my fixation on other peoples issues.  I have enough in my own life and everyone must walk their own path.  I have lost my jealousy of others being sinful (vengeful, sexually, managing money, lying, stealing etc).
I am at peace with following Christ and not lusting after sinful actions.  I am not perfect…i still have issues…but going from being jealous of other peoples sinning to focusing on living right is a big step for me.

Frustrated-divorce issues

I sit here wondering and worrying about many things.  Things I need to let go and give to God.  I can not change the past or tell the future.
I can not be happy dwelling on everything but the present.

I wish I had never gotten married for one.  I also wish that I had never had children after being married, I have even wished that our kids were not his.

I never admitted to the abuse.  I never saw divorce as an option and honestly knew nothing about it.  Since, it wasnt an option I never looked into it or even flirted with the idea until after I left him after being with him for 9 years.

There is no easy way for me and our children to be safe.  In Missouri, I am unable to even ask for my husband to sign away his rights because there are no child abuse charges on him.  Also, I can not request for him to pay someone to supervise his visits because the county I live in has no organization to do supervision.  All my family is in AZ although my father in law and his wife are about 6 hours away.  I will be asking if they want to get the kids and watch my husband with them one day a month.  “Fingers crossed”.  I have no car and they would pick the kids up and bring them back.  I hope they agree.
My husband has not talked to his dad since the day after the restraining order was granted.  My husband blames his dad for me leaving and believes I should have stayed.  So, I am hoping he my husband doesnt even try to make the visits.  Plus, I am in Missouri with the kids anf he is in Arizona with no job so traveling wouldnt make sense unless he moves to Missouri.

So many what ifs that I need to let go of.

First thing….I need to see if his father will supervise, second get him served.  Then…see if he will simply agree and let us go…or if he will get a lawyer and fight for more.

We will see…