A breakthrough

These past few months have allowed me to grow so much as a human, a woman, a mother.  The process was slow…in fact I hardly noticed how much I had changed (for the better).
God put me exactly where he needed to…in the middle of this country…free from abuse.  I needed this time to draw closer to God, relearn how to correctly care for my kids and also how to rewire my brain.
I am no longer angry, I do not feel worthless and I value and love myself.  I am on the right track and I am so thankful for Gods grace. 
I still love my husband…but I am not willing to put any of us in sn unsafe (or unhealthy) situation.  I no longer feel the need to know why he did those things…aside from the fact he is a very sick person.
I was sure I had forgiven him…yet I lacked the “ah hah moment”.  I just knew I was no longer angry, I do not dwell on tje past except realizing how far I have came and how things have turned out better than I knew was possible.

Today…at church I had a breakthrough.  I have had a feeling of indifference and pity toward him the past few months.  And have thrown half-ass prayers up regarding him…but mainly prayed for me and our kids.
Today was different.  I fell before the alter and gave Mitch to God…whole heartedly.  With not a bit of ill feeling…I turned him over to God.  I prayed for his safety, peace and that God lead him where he can be healthy and who God wants him to be.  I prayed more fervently and sincerely for him…and just for him than I have in years. 
This is forgiveness.  Letting go of every bit of pain and hurt, releasing him to God and truly deep down hoping that God holds him tight, leads him toward heaven and takes him home to be in His loving presence for eternity.  I have faith that He (God) has a plan and I am giving Mitch’s wellbeing and life over to the Creator.  I also am content having blind faith and hope that Mitch turns his life around either by humbling himself before the Father or by being humbled by the Father.  No contact is still in place and I will never go back with him or be alone with him.  I do not want to know what he is doing (good or bad) I just have let it go.
It is amazing….freeing.  There is a difference between being indifferent and actually forgiving….

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