Today I cried for my children

I did not cry because they will br raised in a “broken” home.
I did not cry because of the things the witnessed snd have gone through.
I did not cry because (hopefully) their dad will not be in their life.
I did not cry because they are disadvantaged, or because it will be hard for us.

I cried out of happiness.  Today, all four of us were cuddling on the house and it just hit me how much they are thriving, how much they have grown, how they are such great kids, and how happy they really are. 

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, leaving was the correct choice.  My children are safe, healthy and happy.  They are no longer abused, they are not stressed, they do not see mommy and daddy arguing or daddy hurting mom.  It has almost been a year since we left and they are totally different kids. 
I am thankful I was able to leave while they are still young and that I have not brought them into another unhealthy relationship.
These children are beautiful human beings.  They are our future.  No relationship is worth what these kids have been through.

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Today…my husband is in default

I filed for divorce at the of January.  It has been quite the process to get pleadings how I wanted/needed and to get him served.  Today marks 30 days since the date of service.  He did not respond, has not told his family he was served and has not hired a lawyer.
This is the best thing I could have asked for at this point.  I am fighting for full custody, no rights (legal or otherwise) for my husband and no child support.  I simply want to cut all ties and create a safe life for my children and I. 
Since he failed to respond…the procceedings will go on without him.  God is good.  He has gopd plans for those who love and trust him and he does not wish bad on us.
I have had successful no-contact for almost 10 months.  So him not appearing for court is good…I was afraid old emotions of love, empathy, and codependancy would come up if he showed up at court dressed all nice and playing tje sweetheart game he played when we first met.

Now…I must admit that being faced with concrete proof (for the world to see) that he does not care about his children stings.  It stings alot.  But…what more proof so I need to know I am doing the right thing?  I actually need no more proof at all.
I have been choked up, on the verge of letting a tear…or a million tears fall all day.  But…with three kids awake I have not had a minute to actually let my feelings out.  I rarely cry…but tonight I do not think I will able to stop them from falling.
I am feeling very happy, sad that I am happy, very alone, sad that the world has so much hurt and very lonely.  This is the accumulation of years of pain…that will end in a final seperation.  While it what I want…I will grieve what my dreams, the man I thought I had, the good times and the bad.
But in the end…I will be stronger, safer, more concious and smarter. 

Really…there is no downside to getting a divorce in which i have full custody and all rights to our kids.

I look forward to the future.  I have hope that I will not be a Nancy Grace murder mystery.

Positve feedback and sharing my story

Within the past 2 weeks I have had 4 staff members at the shelter tell me that they want to remain friends and in contact with me amd my kids after we leave.  Policy states that contact can resume if both parties wish to do so after a resident leaves the shelter and has been out of shelter for a year.  It makes me happy that they see how hard I am trying and that they believe I will continue on a good path when I leave.
I was also asked to write two articles.  The first was for the quarterly shelter newsleter and it was basically my thoughts about being in shelter (I will get a copy and post it in another blog).  The second article was my “success story and how being in the shelter has helped me end the cycle of abuse”
Just a few minutes ago I had a meeting for a news radio show and shared my domestic violence story and what life is like being in a shelter. 
It is crazy how all these oportunities are coming up for me to share my story and help othera.  God is good.

Good things come to those who wait

Good things do come to those who wait, you do have to put in some leg work though.
I have changed my thinking, become content with how life is, realize the past is the past, rarely worry about the future and I am happy.  Nothing in my immediate circumstances has changed though.
I still live in a domestic violence shelter with our three kids, the divorce is still pending and I have no car, no job, no “home to call my own” and I am 1500 miles from all those I know and love.  Still…my mindset has changed and I am happy, healthy and positive.

Things are coming together for me though.  Finally…and I am thankful that my happiness was not based on things outside of myself.

Here are the things which are going well for me…
1. I have enrolled in college, I am waiting to see if I am accepted.
2. I am numbee one on the list for housing.
3. My husband was served divorce papers and he has until the 11th of this month to respond before he is in default and I am granted what I asked for.
4. I got a call and an appointment today for a free dental clinic that does extractions. I have so much tooth pain, broken teeth and my teeth absecess monthly. So that is awesome.

Boundries I need to set…

I have gotten better with boundties.  I can say no to helping when I need to, I do not give away things I need, I say no to drugs, I do not let people walk over me and I do not put up with abusive behavior and I do not keep people close who are lying to me, using me or being sexual, creepy or weird.

However…I am not where I want/need to be.

I still entertain inappropriate conversations. 

Starting today…I will not allow others to gossip to me (it does not matter if it is true or lies).  I do not need to hear peoples dirty secrets, I do not want to entertain crap talk.  Some people live off of forcusing on others, makinh them look bad and being negative.  I am at the point where I know how bad it is and how unneccessary it is.  I am strong enough to set these boundries and respectfully decline to both participate and listen.  For awhile now…I thought it was good that I do not do the talking…but today I woke up and realized…that listening is also bad.  Most of the time it serves no positive purpose expecially if it has nothing to do with my safety or my kids.

The second one I need to set is trying to help people who have no desire to be helped.  Sometimes people would rather complain, feel sorry for themselves and not make any changes.  I have been there…but I am starting to let co-dependancy creep in my life again…and that is not good.  I am glad I am realizing this early on though.