I guess it gets harder before it gets easier

You can either run from the pain or let it burn into your heart as a constant reminder of the meaning of love.

As I have stated before, most of my life my solution to problems was hiding them, burying them, denying my emotions.  Unfortunately, that only seems to work for a minute.  In reality, only the surface looks pretty but underneath is gangrene, festering puss, and maggots that are eating us alive.  It happens slowly, but at the same time is devastating.  The affects are endless.

The time has come for me to open the wounds, scrape out the maggots and gangrene and allow healing to come.  I know, without a doubt, that it isn’t an easy fix.  I know that pain will come before healing, more pain than if I had just dealt with issues as the arose.  That’s ok though because dealing with the deep wounds are the only way of healing.  I can no longer remain a slave to bullshit, no longer remain a victim, no longer ignore my feelings and no longer remain scared.

I have spent a long time trying to figure out how to protect myself, how to guard my heart, how to prevent anymore hurt, but have given little thought on how to be whole again.

Life works in strange ways and what I am about to say, I don’t want to.  I am afraid it will break the magic.  I am afraid I am not doing the right thing or that I am a fool.  But more than that, I am afraid I have been blessed beyond what I could have asked.  I can not continue telling my story, my journey without showing the whole picture.

I have met a man unlike any many I have ever known.  He is handsome, sweet, charming, a gentleman and kind.  No red flags, understanding, takes care of his kids and their mothers, and is not judgmental.  We talked for a few months, but somewhere along the line I fell for him.  It was hard…every time I thought I had feelings…I freaked.  Not in a good way either…I was mean, said horrible things and tried to cut all ties.  He stuck by me, never brought up my actions and simply forgave and loved me.  He understands me when I don’t understand myself and doesn’t hate me for how broken I am.  He respects my boundaries, encourages my growth and supports my decisions.

I don’t think I could ask for more in a man, a partner, or a spouse.

Back to old wounds being opened…simply knowing this man, my boyfriend, exists has shaken me to the core.  It has brought up so many hurts, so much pain.  Everything he does (and is) is different than I have ever known.  Which is great.  Still…I know that if things don’t work out, he has set the bar very high for any other man I will meet.  So, even if shit goes downhill, I am very thankful that he has shown me what I want in a man and that good God fearing men do exist.

This whole post leads to what I am going to write.  It hurts me so badly that my children’s dad does not love them and that he never loved me.  It hurts me that I settled and dealt with so much pain when it didn’t pay off.  I see my boyfriend taking care of his children, making sure they have what they need and helping everyone around him…but I don’t have that in my life and I never will.  Just seeing how he is…makes me question what I did to make my ex husband so crazy and what I did that stopped him from being the man I thought he was.  I know I did not make my ex husband do those bad things…it is just one of my irrational thoughts which get ignited when I see what kind of man m boyfriend is.   I am torn between slight jealousy that he cares for his children when my children’s dad does not and anger that I allowed myself to be in this situation.  Neither of those thoughts are healthy and I know that.  I must face the hurt and wounds of being a single mother, being divorced and knowing that as long as I live I will do what I need to do to keep my children safe and away from their father.

I have a strange feeling that I am on the right track.  That this pain that I am facing will kind of heal, will allow me to grow as a woman and mother.

I only have one life…I need to make it count.

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