From this day forward…..as long as we both shall live….
Growing up….I never imagined getting married. But divorce was even harder to see happening.
I am pit bull loyal…I have a love for all humans. But there are a few whom I would give my life, my freedom, every ounce of my being for. I took my marriage, my vows very seriously. The problem is…I was the only one who took them seriously, the only one fighting for us to be right, the only one with any love. I won’t lie…near the end, I could hardly look at myself in the mirror. My anger, resentment and fear were radiating from my eyes. My eyes were cold, dark, unloving. No spark, no life, no hope. The only thing that kept me going was looking at my face, my body and knowing that no matter how hurt I was I was still me on the inside, my mind was still there. Even during the worst of things….I knew that I would never get an apology, I knew that I would never have an explanation that would make things ok, but all I wanted was for hugs when I needed them.
It just shows me how pathetic and ignorant I am. The denial of kind human touch was harder than I thought it could be….because I still loved him. After getting the pulp beat out of me, broken teeth, swollen throat from being choked, my scalp separated from my skull from being smashed into things, getting burned with smokes, being unable to see out of either eye and my mouth swollen open….all I wanted was a hug from HIM. I just wanted the tiniest bit of kindness so I had fight in me, so I could try to forgive, so I could see him as human, but he denied it every time. I wasn’t worthy of a hug….not even after what he did…
For the longest time…I felt it was my duty to stick by him when nobody else would. That it was my duty to continue to be loving, forgiving and not stir trouble. That it was my duty to not bring up what he did, to not ask for an apolgy and to not talk about how I felt. I made a vow after all right…
The problem is I failed to recognize that there are TWO parts to that vow…we made the same vow to each other…and he went back on it many many times. He hurt me, did not love me or cherish me, yet expected me to hold up my side of the vow.
God doesn’t want us to be hurt or abused. For the longest time I felt guilty for filing for divorce and since it was granted I try not to think about it. As I sit her and watch Sons of Anarchy Season 6 I see that Tara is filing for divorce and Jax just found out. The look on his face was heartbreaking…and for not even a second I thought “I did that to my ex husband”. I was almost sad…I almost felt like I betrayed him, but as quickly as that thought came it was replaced with peace.
I did the right thing. I did not betray him by divorcing him…he betrayed me for years while in our marriage.
Also…until this day I kind of thought that since I am divorced the “value of marriage” is nill. That is not true…if anything I know if there is a next time it will be with the right person because marriage is for a lifetime. As much as I like to be tough and strong…I do want to be married again, I want someone to come home to, someone to love and support, someone to fall asleep next to and wake up next to, and I also want someone with whom we can have a mutual trust.
I didn’t betray him…I am so thankful that I finally believe that….