I am the oldest of 5 children. My parents and I lives in the same home for almost 13 years. We went to church, were poor, and went to a private Christian school.
My first memories are at age 6 or 7 of my dad sexually abusing me. This went on until age of 14 when I told a councilor because I was at the suicide or homicide breaking point. He was arrested and did 5 years in prison.
My mom was not supportive, did not try to get my counseling and blamed me for my dads abuse and was angry that he was gone “because of me”.
I left my moms house when I was almost 15 and she made no effort to find me. About 6 months after I left I called her and she wasn’t worried, sad or anything. Just completely nonchalant. I stayed with a friend till I turned 18…then went home for a few weeks and met my husband. Moved in with him not even 6 months later. I knew there were issues…but I was too quick to forgive and make excuses. Two years later…we for married. Four years after our marriage we had our first child, them two more in the following two years. Finally….after our daughter was born I realized I needed to get away…so I didn’t die…and so she doesn’t grow up to think abuse is ok.
My abuse at the hands of my husband was emotional, financial, sexual, spiritual, verbal….etc. There is little he didn’t do.
I am not a stupid woman. I just didn’t take my own advice and tried too hard to make things fit when they were wrong…when he was wrong.
I take pride in myself, my relationships, my work. I worked in the security field for 9 years…until my husband made me quit in 2012. I got into management and am a leader. I take pride in my work, myself and being able to handle stress and make the right choice. Yet outside of work…I did not make the right choice.
I finally got away in August 2013 and room all 3 kids with me. I am at my 3rd domestic violence shelter right now.
I truly just want to be ok…be able to take care of me and my own and get where I need to mentally. It is taking time…I learn something about myself each day. Blogging, reading, praying, talking to others and reading the blogs of others is helping me heal…is grounding me.