The unraveling and a broken leg

Yesterday morning I tried to sit cross legged and somehow snapped my fibula.  Spiral fracture in at least 3 places.  Never have broken a bone before, but it has now happened.

I went to the ER and they gave me a hard splint, ordered no weight be put on it and told me to see an orthopedic surgeon on Monday to determine if a cast or surgery is needed.  I have a 1, 2, and 4 year old whom I am solely responsible for.

This is really hard…my house is in shambles, trash, toys, clothes, dirty dishes, everything.

The kids are making messes when they eat, play, everything and I can hardly keep up in a half ass way.  I am on crutches, but I still suck…I have fallen several times and my muscles and body are really weak.

Last night a lady at church took the boys and I cuddled on the couch will my 1 year old baby girl.  Last night was ok, but within minutes of them getting back they fell on my leg twice and tried biting each other.  I feel helpless in doing what I need to do, I can hardly stand up without extreme effort.  Changing diapers is very hard because if I sit on the floor I can’t get up and standing or crunching for more than 3 minutes is very hard.

I feel like a baby, a wuss, and I am unsure how this will all play out.

While I do have a few helping hands, someone took the boys last night, people have brought food…I still am reminded that I am alone.  Sure there is a little help, or a lot of help…but still this life is just mine and so are these kids.  No dad…ever.  No dad who loves their mom, no dad who loves them.

No teamwork…

No partnership…

Bonnie and no Clyde

Juliet and no Romeo

Poor me, poor me…waaa waaa booo hoooo

I will get over it.  I will work something out.  I will accept help I need when it is offered, or ask for the help I need.

 

Advertisements

I guess it gets harder before it gets easier

You can either run from the pain or let it burn into your heart as a constant reminder of the meaning of love.

As I have stated before, most of my life my solution to problems was hiding them, burying them, denying my emotions.  Unfortunately, that only seems to work for a minute.  In reality, only the surface looks pretty but underneath is gangrene, festering puss, and maggots that are eating us alive.  It happens slowly, but at the same time is devastating.  The affects are endless.

The time has come for me to open the wounds, scrape out the maggots and gangrene and allow healing to come.  I know, without a doubt, that it isn’t an easy fix.  I know that pain will come before healing, more pain than if I had just dealt with issues as the arose.  That’s ok though because dealing with the deep wounds are the only way of healing.  I can no longer remain a slave to bullshit, no longer remain a victim, no longer ignore my feelings and no longer remain scared.

I have spent a long time trying to figure out how to protect myself, how to guard my heart, how to prevent anymore hurt, but have given little thought on how to be whole again.

Life works in strange ways and what I am about to say, I don’t want to.  I am afraid it will break the magic.  I am afraid I am not doing the right thing or that I am a fool.  But more than that, I am afraid I have been blessed beyond what I could have asked.  I can not continue telling my story, my journey without showing the whole picture.

I have met a man unlike any many I have ever known.  He is handsome, sweet, charming, a gentleman and kind.  No red flags, understanding, takes care of his kids and their mothers, and is not judgmental.  We talked for a few months, but somewhere along the line I fell for him.  It was hard…every time I thought I had feelings…I freaked.  Not in a good way either…I was mean, said horrible things and tried to cut all ties.  He stuck by me, never brought up my actions and simply forgave and loved me.  He understands me when I don’t understand myself and doesn’t hate me for how broken I am.  He respects my boundaries, encourages my growth and supports my decisions.

I don’t think I could ask for more in a man, a partner, or a spouse.

Back to old wounds being opened…simply knowing this man, my boyfriend, exists has shaken me to the core.  It has brought up so many hurts, so much pain.  Everything he does (and is) is different than I have ever known.  Which is great.  Still…I know that if things don’t work out, he has set the bar very high for any other man I will meet.  So, even if shit goes downhill, I am very thankful that he has shown me what I want in a man and that good God fearing men do exist.

This whole post leads to what I am going to write.  It hurts me so badly that my children’s dad does not love them and that he never loved me.  It hurts me that I settled and dealt with so much pain when it didn’t pay off.  I see my boyfriend taking care of his children, making sure they have what they need and helping everyone around him…but I don’t have that in my life and I never will.  Just seeing how he is…makes me question what I did to make my ex husband so crazy and what I did that stopped him from being the man I thought he was.  I know I did not make my ex husband do those bad things…it is just one of my irrational thoughts which get ignited when I see what kind of man m boyfriend is.   I am torn between slight jealousy that he cares for his children when my children’s dad does not and anger that I allowed myself to be in this situation.  Neither of those thoughts are healthy and I know that.  I must face the hurt and wounds of being a single mother, being divorced and knowing that as long as I live I will do what I need to do to keep my children safe and away from their father.

I have a strange feeling that I am on the right track.  That this pain that I am facing will kind of heal, will allow me to grow as a woman and mother.

I only have one life…I need to make it count.

I call bullshit

They say kids need their father. They say that a mother shouldn’t keep kids away from the child’s father.
Bullshit.
I sit here today and watch my boys sleeping on the couch and their baby sister asleep in her room. These kids can be a handful. They drive me crazy at times. But right now…all I feel is love, compassion, and empathy for them.
Baby Emily woke up crying (she has been sick the past two days). I go into her room and she is making the most pathetic soft cries. She opens her eyes, gives me a weak smile as I pat her back a few times and she is off to sleep again.
My heart melted yet again. I actually smiled and thought “Her dad would love her so much.” Everyone loves her, she is a sweetheart, kind, funny and not even two years old. She is stunningly beautiful, big blue eyes and a smile to die for.
But the problem is….her dad doesn’t love her. Her dad doesn’t even know her. The last time he saw her she was 4 months old…and couldn’t even crawl. Heartbreaking.
All I wanted was for my kids to have a loving father, who would kill or be killed for them. One that would teach them to be men and women who made the world a better place.
Although I was not responsible for his actions, I still failed my children. There is no turning back. As long as I have breath…I am keeping these kids safe and away from their father.
This isn’t easy, but it is my only choice. One that breaks my heart at times…but one that I know without a shadow of a doubt is correct.

Current goals and life

I can be very good at pretending.  Pretending I am strong, pretending I can overcome my past and pretending I do not have issues.  The only way my pretending works is if I do not allow myself to get close to anyone, as long as I focus more on others than on myself.  This strategy has worked well most of my life.  Sometimes things hurt too much to think or deal with them.  Sometimes verbally speaking about my issues is too hard because if I say it then they will be real.  Honestly, most of my life the one complement that is most repeated to me is that I am strong.  I almost feel as if I am letting everyone down by having emotions, by being weak, by being vulnerable.  Not only am I letting people down, I am letting myself down because I am giving my strength away by being human (as strange as that seems).  The simple reality is that I have survived up until this point by pretending.  I pretended I was ok and never put my problems on anyone when my father was sexually abusing me.  When my husband was abusive, I did the same.  I did not know there was another way to survive in this world.  In fact, surviving is pretty much all I have done up until this point.

Thankfully, I am no longer in crisis mode.  For the first time in my life, my life is mine.  Finally, at 28, I have control of my life and can blame nobody for my actions, feelings, thoughts, or situation.  At first, I was unsure how to handle this new power.  It was so severe I was unable to make the choice to go for a walk with the kids because it felt wrong.  I felt I needed permission and I could not make the decision to do anything on my own.  That was a year ago.  But today things are different.

I have grown more this past year than I have probably my whole life.  I see more, I know more, I love more and I am finding myself.  Two years ago if you told me I would be where I am today, I would have laughed at you…thought you were crazy.  I “knew” better than to leave my husband, I “knew” better than to take him to court and I sure as hell “knew” that divorce and filing for custody were not options for me.  I had no control, no safety, no trust.  My entire life evolved around making an abusive, drug addict who hated everything (including me) happy.  It was impossible.  The more I sacrificed money, my self respect, my thoughts, my freedoms, the more I lost myself.  My thoughts were no longer my own, they were entwined with his and in no way was this a good thing.  I was barely a shell of a human…no longer a woman, no longer a mother, and certainly no longer a wife.  I was scum, a parsite, stupid and every negative thing.

Abusers choose people who love, people who have compassion, people with empathy.  They break you down and make you believe it is all your fault.  Every action they do is to control you, to hurt you, to fuel their own ego and inadaquacies.  It works well for the abuser because a normal loving human could not imagine doing what the abuser does.  A normal human tries to figure out why someone would do those things.  A normal human loves and trusts their spouse.  So, when their spouse tells them that everything is their fault…they eventually believe it because nothing else makes sense.

I assumed that when I left I would be the person I can be, the person God made me to be and that the past would be the past.  I was wrong.  It is not that simple.  After the initial shock of leaving, things do get better.  1000X better than living in an abusive relationship.  But you are not healed, there are still lingering deep deep issues.

My main goal right now is to retrain the way I think.  The subconscious is more powerful than I know, but it is not impossible to change.  If I speak to a domestic violence survivor, I can tell them the truth.  Everything they need to hear.  My heart and brain know that every single word I speak is truth, “You are not to blame”, abusers “Choose to abuse”, and that how they are feeling is normal.  The problem is that try as I might, I believe I am different (although I can not pinpoint why or how).  The things that are true for others are not true for me.  I have basically been brainwashed and knowing the truth does not make it true in my gut.

Now, all my life I have been in survival mode.  Abused my more people than I care to remember.  Never having a say over what happens to my body.  Never having a voice.  Never being loved or loving myself.

I am done being in survival mode.  I am done scrapping by.  I am done pretending.  Silence fuels the problems.  Ignoring issues allows them to fester.  I have been hurt too much, by too many people and I am unwilling to hurt myself any longer.

So…back to my goals.

1.  Retrain my brain to rid myself of irrational thoughts.

2.  Raise my kids to be good men and women.

3.  Love my Lord and follow His commands as best as I can

4.  Forgive myself especially for things out of my control.

5.  Be healthy in my body (eating right, exercise, sleep)

6.  Smile without holding back

7.  And last….love everyone, even the “unlovable”

Will I always live in fear?

Trigger Warning:  Abuse

I do not like looking over my shoulder, being afraid of being found, being unable to connect with those I love out of fear that I will be found and killed.

I am lucky.  I know this now.  Many women who have been through things similar to me simply never made it out alive.  So dispute my pain, my fear, my issues…I am thankful that God allowed me to do what needed to be done to survive, that was was given an out and that I was able to take the chance when it was given to me.

I had options to leave, in fact….I literally ran out the door to the convenience store I believe over 60 times in a 6 month period earlier this year.  Each time he chased me….begging me to come back, promising to change.  I fell for it again and again…even though I knew better. 

The time that haunts me was when we had been locked in the apartment for just over a week.  He was smoking dope non-stop, not sleeping, had the windows covered with blankets nailed 1 inch apart and the door barricaded with furniture.  He believed I was poisoning his drinks, stealing and poisoning his dope and that I had people sneaking in to “fuck me”.  The apartment had night vision cameras set up along with audio recorders and he also used his phone to keep tabs on everything.  Anyway…he told me repeatedly…I would not make it out of the apartment alive, that he would kill me, my sister, my brothers, my mom, everyone I loved if I left.  During that week…he raped me, bashed my head into the wall because I didn’t want to have sex with him, ripped open my c section  stitches, verbally abused me, refused to let me outside or even use a phone, gave me two black eyes, a broken tooth, a huge far lip, bruised ribs, more bumps than I know on my head, bruises on my neck from being choked.  At this time…my youngest was not even 2 months old.  I still had my c section staples in because I couldn’t leave to go to the doctor.  (eventually…he removed them himself with wire cutters).  My boys were 14 months and 28 months old.  Anyway….he left me in the living room and walked to the back bedroom.  After a minute…I took my chances…and ran.  Leaving the kids behind.  I will never forgive myself for that choice.

I ran wearing only a t shirt and panties..no pants, shoes, bra.  I got to the store and say on the curb…and waited.  I knew it wouldn’t take long for him to show up.  Within 5 minutes…he was there….without the kids.  He told me I needed to go home, that he didn’t understand why I left, that he loved me, and he promised never to hurt me again.  I told him I didn’t believe him…that I was going to call the cops and say that our kids were alone at home and I was afraid to go get them.  He convinced me that I would have the child neglect charges and that cps would take the kids from me.  So…I went home with him…about half hour after I left.  I cried the whole way home and he repeated over and over that I was ok and safe.  When we pulled in the driveway….I was in hysterics.  He said “baby girl, I know I have hurt you and you don’t trust me.  I will sit in the car until you trust me and ask me to come in”.  Sounded too good to be true…but I took it.  I believed him.

As I walked up the stairs I could hear my 2 month old screaming.  I unlocked the door….saw that he was still in the car and looked inside and the apartment wax pitch black.  The baby was on the floor and her older brothers were on top of he.  I ran and picked the baby up and as I did the apartment began to shake.  He was coming!  Running up the stairs with a furry…taking 2 steps at a time.  I don’t remember his saying a word as he ran across the living room and pounced on me.  I threw the baby and begged him to make sure she was ok first.  But he didn’t listen.  Her screams will haunt me.  My utter hopelessness…thinking I would die unable to save my hurt baby.  Breaks my heart….something I pray I will never face again.

The beating went on for well over a hour.  I am surprised I survived.  But I did.  All 3 babies were in the room the whole time…although it was pretty dark…they heard it all.

Come to find out….he cut the power before he left, left the kids there as a trap and planned the whole thing.  Sickening really.

I don’t know why people do what they do.  All I know is what he is capable of…and I don’t like it and I will never be able to be safe if he knows where we are….