Betrayal…

From this day forward…..as long as we both shall live….

Growing up….I never imagined getting married.  But divorce was even harder to see happening.

I am pit bull loyal…I have a love for all humans.  But there are a few whom I would give my life, my freedom, every ounce of my being for.  I took my marriage, my vows very seriously.  The problem is…I was the only one who took them seriously, the only one fighting for us to be right, the only one with any love.  I won’t lie…near the end, I could hardly look at myself in the mirror.  My anger, resentment and fear were radiating from my eyes.  My eyes were cold, dark, unloving.  No spark, no life, no hope.  The only thing that kept me going was looking at my face, my body and knowing that no matter how hurt I was I was still me on the inside, my mind was still there.  Even during the worst of things….I knew that I would never get an apology, I knew that I would never have an explanation that would make things ok, but all I wanted was for hugs when I needed them.

It just shows me how pathetic and ignorant I am.  The denial of kind human touch was harder than I thought it could be….because I still loved him.  After getting the pulp beat out of me, broken teeth, swollen throat from being choked, my scalp separated from my skull from being smashed into things, getting burned with smokes, being unable to see out of either eye and my mouth swollen open….all I wanted was a hug from HIM.  I just wanted the tiniest bit of kindness so I had fight in me, so I could try to forgive, so I could see him as human, but he denied it every time.  I wasn’t worthy of a hug….not even after what he did…

For the longest time…I felt it was my duty to stick by him when nobody else would.  That it was my duty to continue to be loving, forgiving and not stir trouble.  That it was my duty to not bring up what he did, to not ask for an apolgy and to not talk about how I felt.  I made a vow after all right…

The problem is I failed to recognize that there are TWO parts to that vow…we made the same vow to each other…and he went back on it many many times.  He hurt me, did not love me or cherish me, yet expected me to hold up my side of the vow.

God doesn’t want us to be hurt or abused.  For the longest time I felt guilty for filing for divorce and since it was granted I try not to think about it.  As I sit her and watch Sons of Anarchy Season 6 I see that Tara is filing for divorce and Jax just found out.  The look on his face was heartbreaking…and for not even a second I thought “I did that to my ex husband”.  I was almost sad…I almost felt like I betrayed him, but as quickly as that thought came it was replaced with peace.

I did the right thing.  I did not betray him by divorcing him…he betrayed me for years while in our marriage.

Also…until this day I kind of thought that since I am divorced the “value of marriage” is nill.  That is not true…if anything I know if there is a next time it will be with the right person because marriage is for a lifetime.  As much as I like to be tough and strong…I do want to be married again, I want someone to come home to, someone to love and support, someone to fall asleep next to and wake up next to, and I also want someone with whom we can have a mutual trust.

I didn’t betray him…I am so thankful that I finally believe that….

I guess it gets harder before it gets easier

You can either run from the pain or let it burn into your heart as a constant reminder of the meaning of love.

As I have stated before, most of my life my solution to problems was hiding them, burying them, denying my emotions.  Unfortunately, that only seems to work for a minute.  In reality, only the surface looks pretty but underneath is gangrene, festering puss, and maggots that are eating us alive.  It happens slowly, but at the same time is devastating.  The affects are endless.

The time has come for me to open the wounds, scrape out the maggots and gangrene and allow healing to come.  I know, without a doubt, that it isn’t an easy fix.  I know that pain will come before healing, more pain than if I had just dealt with issues as the arose.  That’s ok though because dealing with the deep wounds are the only way of healing.  I can no longer remain a slave to bullshit, no longer remain a victim, no longer ignore my feelings and no longer remain scared.

I have spent a long time trying to figure out how to protect myself, how to guard my heart, how to prevent anymore hurt, but have given little thought on how to be whole again.

Life works in strange ways and what I am about to say, I don’t want to.  I am afraid it will break the magic.  I am afraid I am not doing the right thing or that I am a fool.  But more than that, I am afraid I have been blessed beyond what I could have asked.  I can not continue telling my story, my journey without showing the whole picture.

I have met a man unlike any many I have ever known.  He is handsome, sweet, charming, a gentleman and kind.  No red flags, understanding, takes care of his kids and their mothers, and is not judgmental.  We talked for a few months, but somewhere along the line I fell for him.  It was hard…every time I thought I had feelings…I freaked.  Not in a good way either…I was mean, said horrible things and tried to cut all ties.  He stuck by me, never brought up my actions and simply forgave and loved me.  He understands me when I don’t understand myself and doesn’t hate me for how broken I am.  He respects my boundaries, encourages my growth and supports my decisions.

I don’t think I could ask for more in a man, a partner, or a spouse.

Back to old wounds being opened…simply knowing this man, my boyfriend, exists has shaken me to the core.  It has brought up so many hurts, so much pain.  Everything he does (and is) is different than I have ever known.  Which is great.  Still…I know that if things don’t work out, he has set the bar very high for any other man I will meet.  So, even if shit goes downhill, I am very thankful that he has shown me what I want in a man and that good God fearing men do exist.

This whole post leads to what I am going to write.  It hurts me so badly that my children’s dad does not love them and that he never loved me.  It hurts me that I settled and dealt with so much pain when it didn’t pay off.  I see my boyfriend taking care of his children, making sure they have what they need and helping everyone around him…but I don’t have that in my life and I never will.  Just seeing how he is…makes me question what I did to make my ex husband so crazy and what I did that stopped him from being the man I thought he was.  I know I did not make my ex husband do those bad things…it is just one of my irrational thoughts which get ignited when I see what kind of man m boyfriend is.   I am torn between slight jealousy that he cares for his children when my children’s dad does not and anger that I allowed myself to be in this situation.  Neither of those thoughts are healthy and I know that.  I must face the hurt and wounds of being a single mother, being divorced and knowing that as long as I live I will do what I need to do to keep my children safe and away from their father.

I have a strange feeling that I am on the right track.  That this pain that I am facing will kind of heal, will allow me to grow as a woman and mother.

I only have one life…I need to make it count.

I call bullshit

They say kids need their father. They say that a mother shouldn’t keep kids away from the child’s father.
Bullshit.
I sit here today and watch my boys sleeping on the couch and their baby sister asleep in her room. These kids can be a handful. They drive me crazy at times. But right now…all I feel is love, compassion, and empathy for them.
Baby Emily woke up crying (she has been sick the past two days). I go into her room and she is making the most pathetic soft cries. She opens her eyes, gives me a weak smile as I pat her back a few times and she is off to sleep again.
My heart melted yet again. I actually smiled and thought “Her dad would love her so much.” Everyone loves her, she is a sweetheart, kind, funny and not even two years old. She is stunningly beautiful, big blue eyes and a smile to die for.
But the problem is….her dad doesn’t love her. Her dad doesn’t even know her. The last time he saw her she was 4 months old…and couldn’t even crawl. Heartbreaking.
All I wanted was for my kids to have a loving father, who would kill or be killed for them. One that would teach them to be men and women who made the world a better place.
Although I was not responsible for his actions, I still failed my children. There is no turning back. As long as I have breath…I am keeping these kids safe and away from their father.
This isn’t easy, but it is my only choice. One that breaks my heart at times…but one that I know without a shadow of a doubt is correct.

I am thankful for the abuse I endured

I never thought I would say that I am thankful for the bad times, the evil that was commited against me or the pain (physical, emotional, sexual) that I endured.  Never in a million years did I believe I would actually feel and BE thankful for it all.
I am thankful though.  In so many ways.
Had I not endured what I endured, I would not be who I am or know what I know.  I am a strong, brave, loving, kind and intelligent woman and mother. 
I aspire to inspire others.  To be a shoulder to cry on, to listen, to lead by example, to be a light in the darkness.  If I had not lived the horror…I would not truly understand what so many people deal with and how much they deal with when they are sexually abused as children or abused in so many ways in an intimate relationship or marriage.  I am thankful that God brought me out of the darkness and I will not keep silent.

Good will come out of the evil that was brought on me at the hands of the two men I loved the most (my father and my husband)

A breakthrough

These past few months have allowed me to grow so much as a human, a woman, a mother.  The process was slow…in fact I hardly noticed how much I had changed (for the better).
God put me exactly where he needed to…in the middle of this country…free from abuse.  I needed this time to draw closer to God, relearn how to correctly care for my kids and also how to rewire my brain.
I am no longer angry, I do not feel worthless and I value and love myself.  I am on the right track and I am so thankful for Gods grace. 
I still love my husband…but I am not willing to put any of us in sn unsafe (or unhealthy) situation.  I no longer feel the need to know why he did those things…aside from the fact he is a very sick person.
I was sure I had forgiven him…yet I lacked the “ah hah moment”.  I just knew I was no longer angry, I do not dwell on tje past except realizing how far I have came and how things have turned out better than I knew was possible.

Today…at church I had a breakthrough.  I have had a feeling of indifference and pity toward him the past few months.  And have thrown half-ass prayers up regarding him…but mainly prayed for me and our kids.
Today was different.  I fell before the alter and gave Mitch to God…whole heartedly.  With not a bit of ill feeling…I turned him over to God.  I prayed for his safety, peace and that God lead him where he can be healthy and who God wants him to be.  I prayed more fervently and sincerely for him…and just for him than I have in years. 
This is forgiveness.  Letting go of every bit of pain and hurt, releasing him to God and truly deep down hoping that God holds him tight, leads him toward heaven and takes him home to be in His loving presence for eternity.  I have faith that He (God) has a plan and I am giving Mitch’s wellbeing and life over to the Creator.  I also am content having blind faith and hope that Mitch turns his life around either by humbling himself before the Father or by being humbled by the Father.  No contact is still in place and I will never go back with him or be alone with him.  I do not want to know what he is doing (good or bad) I just have let it go.
It is amazing….freeing.  There is a difference between being indifferent and actually forgiving….