Betrayal…

From this day forward…..as long as we both shall live….

Growing up….I never imagined getting married.  But divorce was even harder to see happening.

I am pit bull loyal…I have a love for all humans.  But there are a few whom I would give my life, my freedom, every ounce of my being for.  I took my marriage, my vows very seriously.  The problem is…I was the only one who took them seriously, the only one fighting for us to be right, the only one with any love.  I won’t lie…near the end, I could hardly look at myself in the mirror.  My anger, resentment and fear were radiating from my eyes.  My eyes were cold, dark, unloving.  No spark, no life, no hope.  The only thing that kept me going was looking at my face, my body and knowing that no matter how hurt I was I was still me on the inside, my mind was still there.  Even during the worst of things….I knew that I would never get an apology, I knew that I would never have an explanation that would make things ok, but all I wanted was for hugs when I needed them.

It just shows me how pathetic and ignorant I am.  The denial of kind human touch was harder than I thought it could be….because I still loved him.  After getting the pulp beat out of me, broken teeth, swollen throat from being choked, my scalp separated from my skull from being smashed into things, getting burned with smokes, being unable to see out of either eye and my mouth swollen open….all I wanted was a hug from HIM.  I just wanted the tiniest bit of kindness so I had fight in me, so I could try to forgive, so I could see him as human, but he denied it every time.  I wasn’t worthy of a hug….not even after what he did…

For the longest time…I felt it was my duty to stick by him when nobody else would.  That it was my duty to continue to be loving, forgiving and not stir trouble.  That it was my duty to not bring up what he did, to not ask for an apolgy and to not talk about how I felt.  I made a vow after all right…

The problem is I failed to recognize that there are TWO parts to that vow…we made the same vow to each other…and he went back on it many many times.  He hurt me, did not love me or cherish me, yet expected me to hold up my side of the vow.

God doesn’t want us to be hurt or abused.  For the longest time I felt guilty for filing for divorce and since it was granted I try not to think about it.  As I sit her and watch Sons of Anarchy Season 6 I see that Tara is filing for divorce and Jax just found out.  The look on his face was heartbreaking…and for not even a second I thought “I did that to my ex husband”.  I was almost sad…I almost felt like I betrayed him, but as quickly as that thought came it was replaced with peace.

I did the right thing.  I did not betray him by divorcing him…he betrayed me for years while in our marriage.

Also…until this day I kind of thought that since I am divorced the “value of marriage” is nill.  That is not true…if anything I know if there is a next time it will be with the right person because marriage is for a lifetime.  As much as I like to be tough and strong…I do want to be married again, I want someone to come home to, someone to love and support, someone to fall asleep next to and wake up next to, and I also want someone with whom we can have a mutual trust.

I didn’t betray him…I am so thankful that I finally believe that….

I am officially divorced

My husband was in default and did not appear for our custody/divorce hearing.  I was granted sole legal and physical custody of our three children as well as the disolution of divorce. 
A new chapter is begining and I am very thankful that my children and I were given this amazing do over…and a chance for happiness and safety.
God is good, He is faithful.  All things do work for the good of those who love Him.
I am proud of myself, thankful for this blessing and appriciate all the support I have had through these past few months.  I was brave enough to go all out and fight for what we need and God was faithful….blessing us more than I could have ever expected

A breakthrough

These past few months have allowed me to grow so much as a human, a woman, a mother.  The process was slow…in fact I hardly noticed how much I had changed (for the better).
God put me exactly where he needed to…in the middle of this country…free from abuse.  I needed this time to draw closer to God, relearn how to correctly care for my kids and also how to rewire my brain.
I am no longer angry, I do not feel worthless and I value and love myself.  I am on the right track and I am so thankful for Gods grace. 
I still love my husband…but I am not willing to put any of us in sn unsafe (or unhealthy) situation.  I no longer feel the need to know why he did those things…aside from the fact he is a very sick person.
I was sure I had forgiven him…yet I lacked the “ah hah moment”.  I just knew I was no longer angry, I do not dwell on tje past except realizing how far I have came and how things have turned out better than I knew was possible.

Today…at church I had a breakthrough.  I have had a feeling of indifference and pity toward him the past few months.  And have thrown half-ass prayers up regarding him…but mainly prayed for me and our kids.
Today was different.  I fell before the alter and gave Mitch to God…whole heartedly.  With not a bit of ill feeling…I turned him over to God.  I prayed for his safety, peace and that God lead him where he can be healthy and who God wants him to be.  I prayed more fervently and sincerely for him…and just for him than I have in years. 
This is forgiveness.  Letting go of every bit of pain and hurt, releasing him to God and truly deep down hoping that God holds him tight, leads him toward heaven and takes him home to be in His loving presence for eternity.  I have faith that He (God) has a plan and I am giving Mitch’s wellbeing and life over to the Creator.  I also am content having blind faith and hope that Mitch turns his life around either by humbling himself before the Father or by being humbled by the Father.  No contact is still in place and I will never go back with him or be alone with him.  I do not want to know what he is doing (good or bad) I just have let it go.
It is amazing….freeing.  There is a difference between being indifferent and actually forgiving….

Frustrated-divorce issues

I sit here wondering and worrying about many things.  Things I need to let go and give to God.  I can not change the past or tell the future.
I can not be happy dwelling on everything but the present.

I wish I had never gotten married for one.  I also wish that I had never had children after being married, I have even wished that our kids were not his.

I never admitted to the abuse.  I never saw divorce as an option and honestly knew nothing about it.  Since, it wasnt an option I never looked into it or even flirted with the idea until after I left him after being with him for 9 years.

There is no easy way for me and our children to be safe.  In Missouri, I am unable to even ask for my husband to sign away his rights because there are no child abuse charges on him.  Also, I can not request for him to pay someone to supervise his visits because the county I live in has no organization to do supervision.  All my family is in AZ although my father in law and his wife are about 6 hours away.  I will be asking if they want to get the kids and watch my husband with them one day a month.  “Fingers crossed”.  I have no car and they would pick the kids up and bring them back.  I hope they agree.
My husband has not talked to his dad since the day after the restraining order was granted.  My husband blames his dad for me leaving and believes I should have stayed.  So, I am hoping he my husband doesnt even try to make the visits.  Plus, I am in Missouri with the kids anf he is in Arizona with no job so traveling wouldnt make sense unless he moves to Missouri.

So many what ifs that I need to let go of.

First thing….I need to see if his father will supervise, second get him served.  Then…see if he will simply agree and let us go…or if he will get a lawyer and fight for more.

We will see…

Another step forward….child support

So…I filed for child support today.  Honestly…I am kinda proud of myself.  Took me almost 4 months to do.

I am wondering if I am getting stronger, breaking free or being irresponsible and stupid due to a false sense of safety.

It has almost been 4 months since he has hurt me, and a full 2 months since I have has ANY contact with him.  I moved 3 times and changed my number…so he couldn’t contact me if he wanted to.

The thing is….child support is a HUGE no no for my husband.  Completely unacceptable and a crime he believed is worthy of death….especially if the person filing TAKES the kids without the other persons consent.  Eek.  Very harsh.  My husband had a 12 year old and the mother of his son took the baby before the baby turned one and hasn’t made contact since.  She never filed child support…never wanted anything to do with my husband (who was 17 when his son was born).  Before we got married I asked about him paying child support…and be said “she won’t file..she isn’t stupid.  She knows I’ll kill her if she tries that bullshit.”  Yet…like a dumbass I married him.  Anyway…the while child support situation was explained to me more than I can count…don’t do it…or he will end my life. 

I am stuck between being afraid (because I don’t think it is an idol threat), being cocky because it has been a while since he had hurt me, and being pissed off because he SHOULD do his part. 

I guess the cocky and angry outweighed the fear this time.  Can’t decide if it was stupid or not yet. 

Almost December….almost 2014

This past year has been probably the hardest year of my life…and there is still one month left to do.  I began to write this…thinking that it is almost Christmas…but the new year and this past year spoke louder to me.

I began this year 7 months pregnant with my husband and my third baby.  We were living at his moms house…with his mom, her boyfriend, and my husbands niece.  My husband had me quit my job a few months earlier and he had not been working for avoid a year. 

In fact my new “work” was begging.  Literally…standing in front of stores with my 2 year old and 8 month old, with my 7 month pregnant belly begging random strangers for change or a few bucks, or diapers or gas or whatever my husband wanted at the time.  Don’t get me wrong…when I just couldn’t do it…he did it a few dozen times…but not 8 plus hours a day….6 days a week.  It was awful.  First time I asked a stranger for some gas I was given 20 bucks…from then on he wanted me to ask people for money.  He would sit in our car and watch me…to make sure I was really trying, getting enough and not being lazy.  Great man eh…makes his wife and kids beg instead of letting his wife work or working himself.  When I started being recognized or when I hated waking up because I knew it would be another day of him driving me from store to store to get him money.  I didn’t ever set any back for myself.  Never lied about what I was given.  It all went to him.  Normally….he refused to use what we were given for gas or diapers….instead it was first used on weed and as I found out later meth.

A few weeks into the year we moved into an apartment and lives there until April.  That was the house of horrors for me.  Made me cry when I got my daughters birth certificate…and it has our address printed right on it.  Anyway…the first night we were there the shit started…little did I know…making it out of that apartment alive would truly be a miracle.  Remember…I was 7 months pregnant when we moved it.  My mother in laws boyfriend drove all our stuff to the apartment.  There is an ongoing “issue” my husband had for about 6 months prior where he kept accusing me of fucking his moms boyfriend, of sneaking out of our room and cheating on him with his mind boyfriend etc.  he wasn’t nice about it either…kicked me in the face over it, went into detail telling me how “loose” I was, beating me up became I was in the living room and his moms boyfriend was in the kitchen and I was being suspicious.  I helped carry some little stuff…then went into the boys room with them and told mg husband I didn’t want to go back downstairs with his moms boyfriend because I didn’t want problems.  I just got called a bunch of names, told I was being stupid because there was no trust issue and that I was a lazy far white who “probably was fucking his moms boyfriend”.  Little did I know that he brought 17gr meth into the apartment, had moved to the area to be close to his friend who is a cool (of meth) for the hells angels and that he went to all the neighbors introduced himself and told them he lives with our tel babies and me.  He told our neighbors I was nuts, hormonal, pregnant with our 3rd baby in 2 years and that I had issues where I liked to scream and yell and break things.  Then he walked upstairs….called me every name in the book and beat me up…black eye, hurt belly, bruises on my neck….suffocation, threats of worse violence and death if the cops showed up.  It was the beginning of my hell.

I am up to about Jan 11th…and my head hurts thinking about what happened in that place.  Im done for now…I can’t keep writing.  There are many things that have never seen daylight, never been written or spoken…and I can not so that now.

Anyway…it was a tough year…even now it certainly isn’t easy.  But I am safe!  That is huge for me.