The unraveling and a broken leg

Yesterday morning I tried to sit cross legged and somehow snapped my fibula.  Spiral fracture in at least 3 places.  Never have broken a bone before, but it has now happened.

I went to the ER and they gave me a hard splint, ordered no weight be put on it and told me to see an orthopedic surgeon on Monday to determine if a cast or surgery is needed.  I have a 1, 2, and 4 year old whom I am solely responsible for.

This is really hard…my house is in shambles, trash, toys, clothes, dirty dishes, everything.

The kids are making messes when they eat, play, everything and I can hardly keep up in a half ass way.  I am on crutches, but I still suck…I have fallen several times and my muscles and body are really weak.

Last night a lady at church took the boys and I cuddled on the couch will my 1 year old baby girl.  Last night was ok, but within minutes of them getting back they fell on my leg twice and tried biting each other.  I feel helpless in doing what I need to do, I can hardly stand up without extreme effort.  Changing diapers is very hard because if I sit on the floor I can’t get up and standing or crunching for more than 3 minutes is very hard.

I feel like a baby, a wuss, and I am unsure how this will all play out.

While I do have a few helping hands, someone took the boys last night, people have brought food…I still am reminded that I am alone.  Sure there is a little help, or a lot of help…but still this life is just mine and so are these kids.  No dad…ever.  No dad who loves their mom, no dad who loves them.

No teamwork…

No partnership…

Bonnie and no Clyde

Juliet and no Romeo

Poor me, poor me…waaa waaa booo hoooo

I will get over it.  I will work something out.  I will accept help I need when it is offered, or ask for the help I need.

 

I guess it gets harder before it gets easier

You can either run from the pain or let it burn into your heart as a constant reminder of the meaning of love.

As I have stated before, most of my life my solution to problems was hiding them, burying them, denying my emotions.  Unfortunately, that only seems to work for a minute.  In reality, only the surface looks pretty but underneath is gangrene, festering puss, and maggots that are eating us alive.  It happens slowly, but at the same time is devastating.  The affects are endless.

The time has come for me to open the wounds, scrape out the maggots and gangrene and allow healing to come.  I know, without a doubt, that it isn’t an easy fix.  I know that pain will come before healing, more pain than if I had just dealt with issues as the arose.  That’s ok though because dealing with the deep wounds are the only way of healing.  I can no longer remain a slave to bullshit, no longer remain a victim, no longer ignore my feelings and no longer remain scared.

I have spent a long time trying to figure out how to protect myself, how to guard my heart, how to prevent anymore hurt, but have given little thought on how to be whole again.

Life works in strange ways and what I am about to say, I don’t want to.  I am afraid it will break the magic.  I am afraid I am not doing the right thing or that I am a fool.  But more than that, I am afraid I have been blessed beyond what I could have asked.  I can not continue telling my story, my journey without showing the whole picture.

I have met a man unlike any many I have ever known.  He is handsome, sweet, charming, a gentleman and kind.  No red flags, understanding, takes care of his kids and their mothers, and is not judgmental.  We talked for a few months, but somewhere along the line I fell for him.  It was hard…every time I thought I had feelings…I freaked.  Not in a good way either…I was mean, said horrible things and tried to cut all ties.  He stuck by me, never brought up my actions and simply forgave and loved me.  He understands me when I don’t understand myself and doesn’t hate me for how broken I am.  He respects my boundaries, encourages my growth and supports my decisions.

I don’t think I could ask for more in a man, a partner, or a spouse.

Back to old wounds being opened…simply knowing this man, my boyfriend, exists has shaken me to the core.  It has brought up so many hurts, so much pain.  Everything he does (and is) is different than I have ever known.  Which is great.  Still…I know that if things don’t work out, he has set the bar very high for any other man I will meet.  So, even if shit goes downhill, I am very thankful that he has shown me what I want in a man and that good God fearing men do exist.

This whole post leads to what I am going to write.  It hurts me so badly that my children’s dad does not love them and that he never loved me.  It hurts me that I settled and dealt with so much pain when it didn’t pay off.  I see my boyfriend taking care of his children, making sure they have what they need and helping everyone around him…but I don’t have that in my life and I never will.  Just seeing how he is…makes me question what I did to make my ex husband so crazy and what I did that stopped him from being the man I thought he was.  I know I did not make my ex husband do those bad things…it is just one of my irrational thoughts which get ignited when I see what kind of man m boyfriend is.   I am torn between slight jealousy that he cares for his children when my children’s dad does not and anger that I allowed myself to be in this situation.  Neither of those thoughts are healthy and I know that.  I must face the hurt and wounds of being a single mother, being divorced and knowing that as long as I live I will do what I need to do to keep my children safe and away from their father.

I have a strange feeling that I am on the right track.  That this pain that I am facing will kind of heal, will allow me to grow as a woman and mother.

I only have one life…I need to make it count.

Made it through another day

Starting this blog was a good thing I believe.  I am connecting with other survivers, finding a voice, venting, and opening up.

While I say it is a good thing, it has been hard for me.  Facing some of these things head on, telling my story, reading other peoples stories, and admitting to myself (and the world) that I have issues, made mistakes, and still struggle with things in my head

the fact remains….I am only human.  I am not perfect.  My life hasn’t been perfect.  You know what, that is finally ok.  No more pretending, more denial, more lies.

I just about made it through today….and quite frankly…it wasn’t that bad.  I didn’t really miss him so much as be sad about what I wanted from him, our relationship and our marriage.  I am mourning what could have been, what I wanted, what I thought we could have had and what I thought we deserved.

But it is ok.  I  am ok.  I will be ok.  This is my life and I need to assess how I deal with things. 

As they say life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you deal with it.  That is true. 

I need to really know that in spite of everything God truly loves me, that he has a plan for me and my life.  I need to find myself, pursue my dreams, find a passion.  I am not sure how to live for me…so I live for my kids.  While I love them with all my heart…I need more.  I still need to find me, find what makes me happy and live for me.

I did not get all my problems overnight…and they will not be solved overnight.  I know this.  I am a instant gratification, instant solution person.  But there are no quick solutions…and I need to be ok with that, go one day at a time,
In my heart I know that I need to make good out of the abuse from my dad and my husband.  I am unwilling to believe I have suffered for 24 of my 27 years at their hands all in vain.  That can not be possible.

Some good must come from my pain.  That I can somehow help someone.  I am not sure how…I just hope I can.  Hope does not disappoint.